Thursday, 10 September 2020

Just add Love

This year has been hard on everyone, an extremely rare thing in the history of mankind. From politics to climate change disasters to a worldwide virus pandemic... no one has been able to avoid stress. And, not surprisingly, a lot of people are struggling.

I was talking to a friend about the way high levels of aggression I'm seeing online lately. It got me thinking about something Gabriel said to me once - how there were no "good" or "bad" emotions, just different ways to deal with them.

Being angry or scared, for whatever reason, isn't in itself a bad thing, but how we deal with that is important. Which is easy to write, but what exactly does it mean? How do we manage to ensure our anger or fear is a positive experience rather than a harmful, negative one?

Gabriel kind of shrugged, as if this should be obvious, and said, "When in doubt... just add love."

Even now I'm still somewhat the sceptic, I was not convinced until I gave it a try. Honestly? It really does work, but it takes a certain mindfulness. For each strong emotional reaction I had that day (and there were many because the political back-stabbing is horrendous at the moment) I had to pause... step back and look at the emotion I was feeling... and add love. And within seconds my stress would ease and my outrage or anger would shrink back to manageable or even vanish altogether.

When life turns you into a lemon, just add love. ;)

Remember the feeling of love in whatever way works for you, and then look again at what is scaring you or making you so angry with that filter of love  between you and your problem. Same with grief, jealousy, hate or any other nasty little emotion that shows up to ruin your day. Add love. I guarantee you'll begin to feel a difference.

Tuesday, 8 September 2020

Shine

When I started this blog, over ten years ago, I had in mind to force myself out of my own comfort zone in order to share and grow. Part of that plan was related to my being psychic and oh my... how this blog has charted those adventures! Several stories that began on this blog became the foundation for my book, Elephant Songs.

If I had to sum up my journey of being psychic with a single word for each decade it would be: DEFENSIVE in my twenties, RESIGNED in my 30s, EXPLORING in my 40s and CAUTIOUS in my 50s. And now, as I move ever closer to my 60s, I think I'm finally ready for a new word and I'd like it to be...

SHINE.


Those were the first words that popped into my head as I was writing. To explain the sense behind them might be trickier.

DEFENSIVE? Because by the time I turned twenty the fact I was different was already causing me problems. Never with my parents, who supported me in being true to my self always, but most certainly from my friends and peers.

RESIGNED came to mind for my thirties, because by then I was fairly used to what I was and how people were likely to react to that.

EXPLORING came about through the wonderful blessing of an internet connection combined with being unable to find a full time job in my new country. Plenty of time on my hands and the world on my computer as my research library.

CAUTIOUS because the stronger I became the more I feared accidentally harming or hurting others. And caution because I began to have similar problems to those I'd tackled in my twenties: not everyone was supportive. I don't mean people who think psychics are delusional or frauds. I mean the "downers" - the people who don't want you to hold up your light because they fear you will outshine them.

All that changed recently, when a relative wrote to tell me how much she loved Elephant Songs.


I've had my fair share of fan mail over the years, but nothing beats family acknowledging your talent. I've been exceptionally lucky in having the support of my parents and husband, but beyond that it's been a bit hit and miss with family. They're not negative... they're just invisible. And sometimes it does make me sad.

When I started this post today, I remembered a Bible quote about how a prophet is never respected in his own home or country. I couldn't remember it exactly and while searching online I found a fantastic article at WORLD TRANSFORMATION MOVEMENT on this very topic. This bit in particular struck me:
"The potential trap for the prophet, of hopelessly trying to have his family appreciate and benefit from his work, has a dangerous capacity to exhaust and destroy him. A sound, unresigned person will naturally try extremely hard to have his family appreciate him and his work, however he simply has to be strong enough to at some stage realise the futility of trying to ‘reach’ his own family and be prepared to get on with his work without their support."
Ah, that RESIGNED word.... Yeah, I've been there! And I've made my own way through the exhaustion of trying to explain myself constantly to those who truly don't care in the first place. But even with the experience and hard-fought courage of decades, it still took one email to make it all come together.

I'm ready to shine now. Thank you, Leza. <3




Thursday, 3 September 2020

Closure is not a Door you Close

Last weekend, my high school held their reunion online, since covid has made gathering anywhere impossible. I've never been to any school reunion, but I did end up staying for a while in the group chat related to this year's gathering. It was a strange feeling, seeing some names I remembered and a lot I did not.

And depressing, when people started to list those students now dead from cancer and other various life misfortunes. I was thinking of leaving the room, when someone I did know commented on one of the cancer victims, a girl named J. Someone said how sweet she was and another that, "She was a lovely Christian" and instantly all I wanted to do was open my mouth and say... too much.

I made one dry humour comment and left. 

I'm not sure if what I did was right or wrong, but it felt... unfinished. So, here I am, talking to myself most likely, but ready to finally finish and let go. It's time for closure.

So... I am sorry that J died of cancer, but she was far more than "sweet" or "lovely". She was a mess, emotionally mixed up, angry and unheard. And seems no one realised that. Or did they? Do they now want to forget and bury that part, because no one did anything to help her?

J started high school as my friend. We were both from the same junior school and so casual friendship became "best friends". I knew she was unhappy about several things, we did talk sometimes, but I had no idea how deep that went until it became rage. That was when we were about.. 14? One day at lunch, she just stood up, turned around.. and started kicking me.

I can't remember what I did. I remember being shocked speechless. My best friend was attacking me. WHAT THE HELL???

It was the first time in many. For the next few months, every chance she could get, when we were somewhere quiet, she'd attack me. Kicking, stamping on me, whatever. Did I fight back? No. She was my best friend! And plus I could only think this craziness was because she was hurting badly or angry at someone else. I didn't want to hurt her more. I wanted her to calm down, stop, and talk to me. I didn't tell a teacher. Never even considered that, to be honest. It was my problem and I would deal with it.

Except... I wasn't dealing with it. I thought she'd calm down. She didn't. I thought she'd eventually talk it out. She refused. And eventually I just began trying to avoid her at all costs. The lowest moment was one day when she managed to ambush me in an empty courtyard. I remember feeling so tired of it and bruised both of body and spirit, when I realised we were being watched. A mutual friend of ours, M, who went to the same junior school. She was standing at the entrance with another girl, just standing there watching.

The worst part of that moment was realising that friendship meant nothing and I couldn't trust anyone. The more vital lesson of that moment was realising some far greater truth - people don't get involved. Even when they know you and like you... they stand and watch.

I'd remember that a decade later, when someone commented on how the Germans were bad people because they never stopped the Nazis. If two high school girls are too scared to tackle a girl bully who was shorter than both of them... then why on EARTH does anyone think that German civilians should have stood up to men with guns and the government behind them? So although I truly did judge my friends severely for that moment in high school, it led me to judge others with more tolerance as I grew older and wiser. Not a bad trade, really.

And what happened to J and M? J stopped attacking me eventually. To this day, I have no idea what triggered that. We eventually reached a friendly truce, but we never were true friends again. In an ironic twist, I was present on the day a group of girls bullied J in art class, throwing her prize scrap book about the class until she was in tears. That time I was the one who stood and watched and did nothing. It wasn't for revenge, just wasn't sure she'd appreciate being rescued by her past victim.

M... we stayed friends a year longer, but the sense of betrayal never quite left me and eventually led to the death of our friendship as well. Not helped by the fact that our friend group took sides without ever bothering to find out facts. For some reason, even though I'd been the victim I was portrayed as the bully in schoolgirl gossip and lost about five close friends by the end of it all. Another "lovely Christian" school friend, held onto the gossip grudge with such pious intensity that she actually phoned me, several years after high school, to tell me she wasn't inviting me to her 21st birthday party.

Eh???

Not surprisingly, my final year of high school was mostly spent avoiding making any close friendships! It would be about 20 years before I made any close female friends. Trust broken is not easily mended and closure is not a door you close, but more a series of doors you open revealing more truths and more lessons about yourself and the world around you.

Time to open the door, walk through and move on.



Saturday, 22 August 2020

Removing Obstacles

This month a friend invited me onto a Facebook debate group - Christians vs Atheists. It was interesting, but tiresome. far too many people simply wanting to argue for the sake of using up words. 

I knew a lovely Jewish man from Morocco. His grandfather told him that God numbers our words, that we only get so many to use in one lifetime, in order to make his overly talkative grandson quieter. The man became a mime! And a healer - a psychologist using dance, masks and mime. :) The people on the debate group kept reminding me of that Moroccan guy's grandfather. Too many words to say very little. :P

So why am I here using up precious words? ;) To share something that felt important. I watched a video and cried today. Good tears. It seemed important to share that, but it needs some explaining.

The debate group brought back a lot of memories of being in my twenties and various religious types trying to convert me to their forms of Christianity. Each time I politely refused they'd ask me to pray on it and since they were friends I cared about... I'd pray on it. And God always replied - that I was perfect as I was. No need to change. But every single time I shared my answers, my friends would be shocked or angry and say I was wrong. It was incredibly stressful.

So... from age 30, I stopped talking to people about spiritual things. It took the internet (in my 40s) to coax me back out and even then I was selective. I avoided the "missionaries". Not sure why I leaped back in this month, but I'm glad I did. Remembering the past sometimes helps. And last night,leaving that debate group, I remembered something I'd forgotten.

I remembered when I painted Ganesha. :)

And I wake up this morning to find it is Ganesha's day. Ha! This was above the link to Ganesha's day...





And this was below it...

 

Once again, the answers to my prayers laid out before me. So overwhelmed by the beauty of it all; the small miracles, like candles laid out along the path.

My whole life I have felt that the greatest, most important, thing we can do for God/Creator is to be true to who we were meant to be. All my life, I have strived to support and encourage every person I meet who is trying to follow their true path.

I was 18 when I first met Ganesha. I was at Art college and we were out on a sketching trip to various places of worship. Churches, a Synagogue and finally the local Hindu temple. And there he was... literally brand new, out the box as he'd just been unpacked. Shipped from India. That day was a turning point, a moment of transformation, but it would take looking back over 40 years to see the pattern left by my footprints behind me.

So, when I was 18, I painted Ganesha at Art college, but never finished the painting. I wanted to paint him holding all the symbols of the world's great religions, to show how (for me) he felt like the one who was able to hold them all, with love and compassion. Remover of obstacles. All the distrust, misunderstandings, between different faiths and cultures. My lecturer would not allow it. So I never finished the painting.

And today, I found this video on a link to Ganesha day on Facebook:


I watched it in tears this morning. My heart so full of joy there was no more room and it had to overflow.

I am who I am meant to be. We all are.

I am out of words.

Friday, 10 July 2020

My Angel Guardian

As most of my friends and long-term blog readers know by now, I hang out with an angel named Gabriel in my head. He's always been my guardian angel, but it's only very recently (2013) that I've been able to hear and sometimes see him.
The story behind that journey of discovery is scattered through this blog. Look for labels: Angels, Archangel Gabriel, Psychic, Visionary and Elephant Songs (my book about all my mad-life moments).

Yes,  he is "the" angel Gabriel, but he doesn't use the Archangel bit. He says that idea is a man made concept. Angels have no hierarchy amongst themselves.

Thursday, 18 July 2019

Note to Blog Readers

I haven't had time to blog regularly. You'll probably guess that I've been fading if you look at the dates of my last posts! lol

I'm keeping my blog up, as I know there are people who still return to read, especially my past Blog for Peace posts and information on my books. And I am posting now and then.

BUT... I am adding security to comments to keep the dire spammers at bay.