My Angel Guardian

As most of my friends and long-term blog readers know by now, I hang out with an angel named Gabriel in my head. He's always been my guardian angel, but it's only very recently (2013) that I've been able to hear and sometimes see him.

The story behind that journey of discovery is scattered through this blog. Look for labels: Angels, Archangel Gabriel, Psychic, Visionary and Elephant Songs (my book about all my mad-life moments).

Yes,  he is "the" angel Gabriel, but he doesn't use the Archangel bit. He says that idea is a man made concept. Angels have no hierarchy amongst themselves.

In Perfect Imperfection

A dictated chat from my guide and guardian, Gabriel. :-) A friend asked him a question and this was his reply. It is LONG. As I said, he's very chatty nowadays! ;-)

"So, life lessons and why do they hurt so much? Resistance is partly to blame, you are correct, but that is a simplification. There are other forces at play. Which brings me to a point we have discussed recently, that I know you wish me to share with your friends. It is the concept that life on this planet, within this realm, is merely a "game". It is a word that I personally find repugnant. Life is not a game. Yes, it should be enjoyed and full of adventure, love and laughter, but there is a particular danger in classifying any reality as lesser, or as a game. It trivialises the experience down to something no more important and, even more dangerously, it trivialises everything within that reality.

As a 'game' the human experience becomes no more than a series of challenges to conquer in order to "win". Such a mind set, as far as I can see, is not conducive to empathy and allowing the awareness of All-is-One to flourish. Nor does it sanctify the experience, as it should be. This reality is no more/no less important than any other. It serves a purpose, designed as such by God and yourselves. It is as real as any other and the experiences you have here are as important and beautiful, in their own way, as any you might encounter in other realms or levels of existence.

As a 'game' there is the unspoken message to mankind that the experiences here do not matter. That the pain as well as the sorrow are inconsequential. That is not so. Everything you experience is Holy and valid, including what you suffer within this realm. To think otherwise runs the added danger of then thinking it is alright to walk away or ignore the suffering of others, since they are merely other 'players' in the 'game' after all. No. No. No. Such a mindset is wrong at the highest level! This realm was not created to be a game for sociopaths to flourish in, but rather as a place to learn the deeper connection of All. The Oneness of every living thing is equally valued by God. This planet has value, this reality with all its beauty has value. This planet matters to God. (or Creator or Source. Whatever word you choose to use is of no consequence)

I cannot tell you all that is to pass, because I do not know. I do not know because there are variables, and because I am not God, and because I am an imperfect being, same as yourselves. Perfection is a lie. It is a concept unheard of in other realms, this "perfection" you seek. Perfection, as seen by the human mind, is static. It is a state where a being or item reaches a certain level and... all stops. Because now it is PERFECT. No more growth, no more adventure. Nothing. Perfection, as far as I can tell, seems to be the same as death. Can we agree on that?

So what is seen as 'perfection' by God? Growth. Change. Experience. Joy. These are the things to strive for, not some dead flat line state of being PERFECT. Michelle's mind used an analogy that sums it up well: the butterfly as an example of Divine perfection. Caterpillar-pupae-butterfly. Change in all its miraculous wonder. More importantly, when the caterpillar is a perfect creature it is nowhere near being a perfect butterfly. when the butterfly is perfect it is no longer a perfect caterpillar. And yet both forms are perfect. It does not need to strive towards one static state of being. It finds joy in every step of its journey and that is the true perfection of life - the joy of the experiences, whatever they might be.

And so I finally can return to what I was discussing in the first place, before this dear woman drew me off to talk on the things important to her. I was wanting to discuss life lessons and suffering. The lack of joy in the experience, you might say. There are some belief systems on your planet that hold with the theory that all of life in this realm must revolve around suffering. No. Not at all. Look at nature and you will see first hand how ridiculous and absurd that concept is. Nature is full of joy. It abounds in delight. Even the cycles of death and life are ones that echo that message of joy.

There is this misconception that nature is 'red of tooth and claw.' Perhaps it might seem that way at first, but look closer at the reality and you soon realise how much is lost by taking that quote as fact. Yes, animals die and people die. Things are eaten by things that in turn are eaten by another and at the end of it all the earth itself will eat them all as their energy returns back to the soil it came from. There is no horror in that for any beast or plant. The sparrow does not sit on the branch weeping at the fact it may end up in the gullet of a bird of prey tomorrow. It is here. It lives in the moment. It sings in joy or anger with equal passion and zest for life. It enjoys it all.

That was how it was meant to be. Joy in every experience. What went wrong? Why does mankind find living so unbearable? In part it lies within the constraints of your own biology. You are, as some say, a spiritual being here within a physical form. There are parameters to that interaction. The human animal has the same instincts of survival as any other. The spiritual form of you has not. That creates a level of conflict that most life forms on this planet do not share. It is what sets you apart. Not a "soul" as such, for every living and seemingly non-living thing is equally created by God and thus sacred to God. The difference lies in the fact that humans come here aware of that fact. That is your destiny, what you have been striving towards for so long. To balance the awareness of multiple realities within your physical form.

Michelle thinks that last sentence makes no sense. Worse, she commented that it sounds rather "oogah boogah". I will try to explain it in a simpler form for her. Or she will nag at me to alter it, I know.

Back to the human condition of being aware spiritually and physically within this reality. Animals are aware of it as well. The difference is that animals do not try to understand it. They accept. No query, no curiosity, no conflict. They know, at cell level, that they are a part of Creation. Mankind chose to come here to experience the conflict of knowing yet not knowing enough. It makes you strive for more. But within that adventure there have been times when the suffering this induced has created harm to all involved. This reality was never meant to harm, only for all to learn more.

Mankind was meant to express that part of God that you call Love. Agape is a closer term, but even it falls short of the mark. This Love holds an energy that is pure, but not perfect. Because perfection is a dead thing that has no purpose. Not even God is perfect in the way mankind see the concept. I understand how such a comment might seem blasphemy, but bear in mind you invented the word. Perfection is a fool's concept. The universe is constantly expanding and altering, transforming as it grows. Within that growth there are accidents and mistakes as well as moments of wonder.

Throw the "perfect" word in the bin and accept the fact all growth is a miracle. All life is a miracle. An ever changing wondrous thing full of surprises. It is only when mankind began to strive for an impossible perfection that he began to create suffering. Do you understand now? Perfection automatically implies a want. It automatically separates the experience into good and evil. God did not create evil. Mankind did that. There was no devil before you created him in your own image."

Thoughtful Thursday ~ Till We Have Faces

A quote and a very personal story make up this week's Thoughtful Thursday post.

The quote is from one of my most favourite books by C S Lewis,  Till We Have Faces. It's based on a Greek myth and told by a princess named Orual. She's the sister of Psyche, the girl who fell in love with Cupid. (who wasn't a baby with wings, but a handsome young Greek god)
Orual says this, near the end of the book:

 

“When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the centre of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about the joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?”

Last year, I wrote my book, Wisdoms of the Light, and during the months of writing something changed inside me. It took me till today to realise what it was. I had looked at myself, face to face, and written out "that speech which had lain in the centre of your soul" and just as Orual predicted, it led to a very important meeting. 

 

No, I didn't get to meet a Greek god face to face! LOL But I did get to hear my spirit guide's words for the first time. Finding my Speech gave him speech. 

As I've mentioned before, my spirit guide, Sol, has always had to mime or write words on a chalk board to communicate with me. That's because my brain refused to give him a voice. In my opinion, the idea of "voices in my head" was simply too creepy and too invasive. So, for about ten years all I saw were flashes of pictures or written words in my mind. Last July that changed and suddenly Sol's words were coming thick and fast. At first it was a bit overwhelming, but by October I'd managed to reach a stage of balancing this new chatty person with the dear soul I'd known and loved for so long. 

Most of what we've talked about is personal and not for sharing, but last year he did write my post for Blogblast for Peace 2013, when my mind went blank. In being able to talk I have learnt a lot more about my old friend, including something vital that I'd not known before. I once joked that Sol was "no angel", since he can be vulgar, cheeky and a terrible tease. Well... the last joke was on me! Sol has been able to admit that is exactly what he is - my guardian angel. 

Sol isn't his real name, but he's happy to keep using it. He says he doesn't have a name my ears would understand. I gather our languages are not the same as theirs. I asked what the language of angels sounds like and he told me they sing to speak, but it's not like our music. I've asked him loads of questions and sometimes he's asked me to write it down, like the speech I used for Blogblast 2013. 

I have some other bits he's dictated that he's okay with me sharing, which is why I'm writing this introductory post... so to speak. ;-) Ha! Bad pun, but then I have lived with an irreverent dreadful joke-cracking spirit guide in my mind for ten years. One who now turns out to be an angel who is far from angelic! Sol is naughty, immensely loving, incredibly patient and surprisingly wise. I'm so glad we finally came to meet "face to face".

Dona Nobis Pacem 2013 ~ Believe

My blogblast message this year is a very different one... I never wrote it. This year, for the first time, I didn't have a clue what to say.

And Mimi even set a theme this year, to make it easier. She said:

"What Do I Want My World To Look Like?"

Oh boy... :-\ The more I sat and thought about that the less I knew what to write. Let's face it, this has not been an easy year for our planet. Oh there have been good stories and moments of wonderful kindness happening out there, but those stories are usually tucked away in difficult to find places. The main news media blares out the ongoing grim failures of mankind and there have been plenty of those in 2013. Fukoshima, simmering wars, greed and selfishness, festering political rivalries, cruel budget cuts, bickering, bullying, poverty and pollution. :-(

    I know exactly what I want my world NOT to look like!

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But what do I want? And how do we create it? I was stumped. In desperation I decided to ask a friend for ideas and he sent me his thoughts. He's a special friend, one I trust deeply. I knew he'd have thoughts worth sharing and he did not disappoint me.

Here's what he had to say:

"Dona Nobis Pacem ... (may God) grant us peace.

They are beautiful words, but entirely wrong. It was never up to God to grant Peace since it never was God who took peace away from mankind. For far too long we have watched in growing agony as mankind begs for peace, prays for peace and all the time forgets that the power to create peace always lay within his/her own hands. Peace is not a gift to be given by God to mankind, it is a natural birthright of every child. It is already within your hearts and in ready reach of your hands. You are the ones who forget your own power as you grow and the suffering of this world overwhelms you. It was never up to God, it was always up to you.

Your world sits at a crossroads and you are the ones who must choose which direction it takes. All the prayer in the world cannot save you from your own selves, only you can do that. It does not have to be anything more than one gesture, one small forgiveness instead of an angry word. Peace starts small, like a seed. Let it grow naturally inside you and don't be afraid to use it as it grows. It is stronger than it looks, fuelled by love and constantly watched over by whatever you choose to call God. It will grow and it will prevail, but only if you stop looking outward for your answers and turn to look within. You will not find God's grace in prayer, you find it each time you hold out your hand to another living being, in kindness or compassion.

Until mankind realises that every life is equal in the eyes of God there truly cannot be Peace on Earth. All life is equally precious, an eagle is no more or less than a mosquito. A human living in Africa is no more or less than another living in Asia or Europe. No religion, no gender, no political party holds the key or stands higher than the next. There is only one world you have to live upon and yet what do you do? You fight over so many stupid things and find so many reasons to hate each other. Even those of you who swear you follow the paths of peace will admit in your hearts to feeling superior to someone else you know, whether it is through enlightenment, education or financial superiority. It does not matter. It never did. It never has. It never will. You were born perfect and you will die perfect. In between is up to you."

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I'm figuring you might have read some of that and been a little puzzled. Especially as to why he wrote about watching mankind? You see, the dear friend who wrote that is my spirit guide. You might call him my guardian angel, really. :-) I've known him for over ten years now. I see the words he speaks in my mind, or images. This time he kept the words nice and slow, so I could write them down as he gave them to me. I normally don't share what he has to say, since it's usually personal and only meant for me. I prefer it that way and so does my guide, 'Sol'. He's a modest kind of guy, but he has strong opinions, as you can see! ;-)

He's right though - this is our responsibility. God created the world perfect. We're the ones who came in and messed it up and it is up to us to fix it. With God's help perhaps, but it is still up to us. 

So what do I want for my future world? 

I want a world where people claim back personal responsibility.

 

 

 Where people don't blame their neighbour, the other country, the opposing political party or another religion for the world's problems. This is OUR world, regardless of who we are, where we are, what version of God we worship in or what language we speak. OUR world and OUR responsibility.

It's a new dawn. We can choose to greet it together, in joy and hope, or keep on pointing fingers until the world is completely destroyed.

I know what I'm choosing...

Doorways

I wrote a post for my Thimbles blog (scheduled for this friday) about Janus, the Roman god of doorways. He's the one who gave January its name. It got me thinking about New Year's Eve and how Janus stands in the doorway looking back and forward to protect travellers.

New Year's Eve is a doorway and we are the travellers.

A few months back a friend sent me an email about 2012. He was wondering what next year would hold for our planet, considering how weird the weather has been this year. He knew about my vision of the Earth as a person and he wondered if I'd seen/felt anything else recently.

Could I ask Earth herself what was going on and would she reply? I decided to give it a try and... I got an answer. I shared it with two friends and they wrote back to suggest that I put it on my blog. I was so busy with my hands that I forgot, but the closer I get to that January doorway the more I feel I should share what I saw. Here it is, exactly as I first wrote it down, pasted this from my email:

I managed to find some quiet time this morning to meditate and asked Earth Mother what all our weird weather means.

I was taken down into the ground. At first it was like floating-plummeting down a mine shaft, or a deep hole. I came into caves or caverns, all very dark! It was as if I had a tiny torch, so I could only get small glimpses of what was around me. I saw pictures on the walls. A flash of a face that reminded me of Tutankhamen. More "bits" that looked Egyptian, but then pictures that reminded me of paintings I've seen from ancient Crete. They looked like paintings or mosaic. The one I saw very clear was a big fish, like a tuna. Above and below were bands of design, like Cretan or Grecian geometric patterns.

I floated on into a new cavern, carved out like a giant room. There were pillars that seemed made of clay or stone. They were Cretan in design. In the corner of this cavern room was a big raised oblong hole, like the base for a bed, but molded or carved from the stone floor itself. I tried to ask about this oblong and the place, this room. When I thought 'room' I heard words, "womb", "room" and "tomb". I felt amusement from whoever said the words, because of the fact I couldn't get it clear which word was right. In a way, they all were right, because a "room" in the centre of the earth is both a "womb" and a "tomb" really.

I heard, "ATLANTIS" softly spoken, but clear. A woman's voice. I think part of what I saw/was shown were ancient ruins yet to be discoverer and yes, I think part of them was a tomb and part a temple.

I went down deeper. I saw lava at times, but it was far off, down side tunnels I wasn't travelling through. I saw white cities in the dark, but I knew they weren't here. They were little pictures, almost like bubbles or TV screens, on which I could see another world. Another Earth. These cities were all white, with high buildings and low, and above them there were orbs of white light that lit them up the same way our cities use streetlights, but these lights were floating and they seems to sparkle slightly, a bit like some fireworks.

Down deeper I saw the belly of a huge white reptile above me. Huge as in as wide as a bus and looped up into the endless darkness. There was a line of red along the belly crease and some blood dripping. I realised it had been cut. Then I was standing further back and could see that it was a huge white snake curved up into a loop - I got the word "OUROBOROS", which I know. The snake holding its tail is in every culture of the world and in most cases represents the continual cycle of Nature, Life, Seasons, etc. It can symbolise all being one, reincarnation too.

Then I saw who had cut it - it was one of the forms I see Mother Earth/Earth Mother as... the goddess Durga. In one of her hands she held up a silvery sword and I knew she had cut ouroboros. I could see the slice was very fine, but had still managed to sever the snake almost through. Only the skin on it's back was holding it together. There was no anger or fear in this cutting. Nothing 'bad' in either her or the snake. It was more like seeing a surgeon cut into a patient. I think the Earth cycles, weather cycles maybe, are being cut through, but this isn't something bad or fearful. It is necessary.

Then I saw the oceans and all the dolphin and fish were swimming in one direction. They were swimming into a huge spiralling "hole", like when the water spirals out of a bathtub, except this spiral was on its side and within the ocean!!! It was huge. A whale could easily swim into the spiral hole. I was taken with them and found myself surfacing on a coastline. The water around me was so pure and pristine in sparkled.

...and then I was back in the dark hearing "womb" and it was over.

I still have no idea what some of it means; symbols can translate many ways. All I know for certain is the Truth never scares. Our fears scare us, they are the "monster under the bed". The Truth, as Jesus said so long ago, sets you free. Trust your heart to tell you what is true.

Wombs and tombs? Birth and death? Or maybe just a doorway? Janus understood that every doorway meant the death of the old and the birth of the new. The fish and dolphin went through a kind of doorway. What lies behind the door for 2012? The unknown can seem scary, but the unknown is also exciting.

It's the way every adventure starts...

Chakra Conundrum

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When I first started this blog, in 2007, I wrote about the strange experience that introduced me to chakras.

At the time I had intended to explore that adventure in this blog, but somehow it never quite happened. It's been on my mind, because recently I've been spending more time dealing with chakras than writing on blogs and I've wondered about putting some of that up on my blog, maybe on a separate page. It's also on my mind because last week my dad asked me whether other cultures also used chakras and although I had a feeling Reiki was similar, I really didn't know for sure.

I went and did some research and I can now say that the answer to dad's question is, Yes, other cultures have similar ideas. I tried to find a short simple version of the info to share here and opted for this from Wikipedia:

The chakras are described as being aligned in an ascending column from the base of the spine to the top of the head.

They are considered loci of life energy or prana, also called shakti, qi (Chinese; ki in Japanese), bios (Greek) & aether (Greek, English), which is thought to flow among them along pathways called nadis. The function of the chakras is to spin and draw in this energy to keep the spiritual, mental, emotional and physical health of the body in balance.

Due to the similarities between the Chinese and Indian philosophies, the notion of chakras was quickly amalgamated into Chinese practices such as acupuncture and belief in ki. The confluence of these two distinct healing traditions and their common practitioners' own inventiveness have led to an ever-changing and expanding array of concepts in the western world.

In Japan, the word qi is written ki, and is related to the practice of Reiki, and plays an important role in Japanese martial arts such as Aikido.

In Western culture, a concept similar to that of prana can be traced back as far as the 18th century's Franz Anton Mesmer that used 'animal magnetism' to cure disease. However it was only in 1927 that the shakta theory of seven main chakras, that has become most popular in the West, was introduced...

After four years of exploring and working with chakras I still don't see spinning balls or glowing energy in the traditional sense, I don't feel energy in the traditional qi sense either, I still see critters!

Little glowing rainbow-coloured creatures that give me information to report back to the person they belong to. The only chakras I see as the traditional light spheres are the chakras of animals. I've only done a horse and a dog so far so I can't swear they are all that way. I also see more than seven for humans. Sometimes I see a black or brown one below a person's feet, connecting them to the Earth, and sometimes I see a white-gold one flying around or above the person - connecting them to... well I'm not sure yet. I'm still exploring that one. :-)

I'm glad actually; seeing creatures that I can interact with is far more fun than seeing spinning light balls, but I have wondered sometimes about the fact that what I see isn't the traditional form of chakras. Chakras are supposed to be inanimate energy centres in the body, not independent little creatures with distinct opinions and personalities.

Why do I see them differently? Why, for me, do they react so actively? I found a quote about chakras on Wikipedia that might explain my chakra conundrum:

Rudolf Steiner (one-time Theosophist, and founder of Anthroposophy) says much about the chakras that is unusual, especially that the chakra system is dynamic and evolving and is very different for modern people than it was in ancient times, and will in turn be radically different in future times.

Am I seeing a step in the evolution of human chakras?
That is a very cool thought!

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The Mystery of the West Coast Trees

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This is the story about my ongoing puzzle with the trees of the West Coast of Scotland.

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The first time I went out to the West coast I felt that the trees were wanting me to stop... sort of "calling" me. The urge to stop was really intense, but I felt so silly I never told anyone until a friend, passing through on holiday, mentioned his own experience. He was half amused, half embarrassed, to admit he'd actually stopped out West... and hugged a tree!

He made a joke and said the trees 'made him do it.' He obviously felt a bit idiotic, so I told him that I'd felt the trees calling me too. It was a relief to realise we'd both felt the same thing in almost the exact same place.

The next time I was out that way was about a year later. Hubby was on his way to a job and I'd gone with for the drive.

We were travelling through an area of fully grown pine forest, very near where I took this photo above, when it started. I was watching the trees zoom by when I started to hear a noise...

It was a bit like when you have ringing in your ears, but it sounded like thousands of voices singing a single note. It was a very deep "OHM" sound, like the Tibetan monks sing/chant. It was mesmerising.

As we moved from the forest into an open area the sound faded... then, as we drove through a forestry area of seedlings and young trees, a new sound started up. Only here the note was a much higher pitch, like an "aaaah" sung by a choir of schoolboys. I went online and found the exact pitch/sound. The seedling forest was like a flute playing 'A'.

It was really lovely, but over so fast and we came home a different route, so I wasn't able to see if they were willing to give a repeat performance.

We don't go out to the West Coast often, so I wasn't able to test whether these events were "one offs" or not. Then last year we took my parents on a day trip to Sky. On the way home we went more North-West, along the coast, through trees and... there it was again! That feeling that the trees were aware and calling to me.

Once again we couldn't stop. This time it was because we were on narrow windy roads with nowhere you could pull over. Very frustrating. Scotland's road department never thought of tourists! This time it was a group of big leafy trees (Beech? Not sure). I was half dozing in the car on the way home when I felt this feeling on my face, like lightest fingertip taps. I knew it was the trees showing me how wind feels in your leaves and branches. It felt nice.

Further on there were pine trees and I tried to tune in to see what wind in pine trees feels like...

I wasn't getting anywhere with that when we turned a corner and up ahead was a huge old Scots pine. I tried to focus completely on that tree and I got his picture in my mind of birds in its branches and it was tickly! Big annoying irritating TICKLY. I felt... prickly-itchy-scratchy irritable. This tree would shake off birds like a dog shakes off water if it had the chance! It was so funny, meeting an irritable tree that doesn't like bird feet, that I nearly burst out laughing.

Why do the West coast trees seem so alive and aware? I have no idea! Hubby pointed out that the West coast is unusual in being fairly warm, thanks to the Gulf stream. There are even semi-tropical plants growing in gardens out that way. Could this be affecting the energy of the plants in some way? Or is it the other way around... maybe the West coast allows me to tune in to what is around us all the time? Maybe all trees are aware and it's us who are the ones not paying attention.

...maybe all the trees could do with a hug now and then, but we're just too busy (and too numbed by modern life) to notice.

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An Improbable Life...

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"How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth? ... "

Sherlock Holmes in The Sign of the Four (1890)

Someone I know made a comment yesterday (email) that made me think. He said:

I wish I could develop faith in things that I cannot see. That, I think makes life a lot easier.

I agree with him completely, I do think it makes for a far simpler life, but I have one reservation... when it comes to the realms of psychic phenomena I have more trust in those who question than those who accept blindly.

In my own experience all the real psychics I know have doubts. I imagine the truly spiritual and saintly do reach a stage of perfect trust and faith, but I suspect none of them started out that way.
To experience the inexplicable has to create a certain sense of, "Did I imagine that? Is this real? Am I crazy?" in a normal sane mind.

It took me two years of writing down my dreams and checking them against news paper dates and my own journal notes before I accepted the fact I was dreaming of things before they happened. It took me two decades to trust that I do see the odd dead person who has a message they want passed along. I suppose some might see that as a failure in trust, but I see it as merely being sensible.

In the end I had to go with Sherlock Holmes - only once you've eliminated the impossible can you truly trust the improbable.

Anyone who has experienced the inexplicable or paranormal, or has some psychic ability, knows exactly what it means to live with the improbable.

I know I live an improbable life.

Has it made my life easier? I have no way to know what a life without who I am now would be like (my imagination boggles!), but I do know it has made my life more complicated, sometimes frustrating, but also very rewarding.

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Mother Nature - Mother Earth? Earth Mother :-)

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As most of my friends/readers know, I sometimes get messages and see things beyond the normal seeing. Some are for sharing, some are either personal messages for one particular person or personal just for me. At first this recent one seemed to be just for me, but it hasn't turned out that way.

First one friend connected to what I'd seen/heard, so I told him. Then another friend connected in a completely different way, so I told her. Now today I shared with another friend who also connected to what I saw in another completely different way.This seems to be meant to be shared!

After I came out of hospital in August, I had a month of recuperating and doing nothing strenuous. Sitting at the computer was painful at first, so I had at least two weeks of not being able to do anything. It was during a long day of lying around doing nothing that a word kept popping into my head - MOTHER.

Eventually I realised I should at least try to find out why I was getting the word repeated over and over, so I asked for more information. I saw a woman's face. She had long silver grey hair, but her face looked younger. She was smiling and looked nice.

Some time later, in September, I was sitting in my bedroom (trying to write book 2 of the First Light Saga) when I started seeing her face again. This time I tried harder to keep my brain quiet and just... look.

I saw all of her this time. :-)

She was an average woman of average to slim build. Long straight thick silver grey hair, oval face. Smiling expression and a very strong feeling of gentle tender love. She was wearing a long dress, but I could see her feet were bare. When she came closer I realised her feet were actually tree roots. Her feet and toes were like the gnarled roots of very old trees. She even has some little seedling branches with leaves sprouting from her toes.

She lifted the skirt of her dress and I could see her legs were a deep darkish blue. Looking closer I realised they were water and there were whales and other ocean creatures swimming in them. Her legs were the oceans. 

From there she showed me other bits of her body, as if her clothing dissolved away... Her stomach area was molten rock and swirling fire, like the Earth's core or a volcano. Her breasts were dripping bees instead of milk. This seemed really odd, but it kept being repeated when I questioned it. Her throat was pale blue and full of flying birds. Her eyes were dark and full of stars. Her hair, up close, was actually heavy falling rain.

She was amazing. :-)

The first person I told was a friend who had sent me information on the goddess Durga - the ultimate Mother Goddess. After talking to him I realised that I was now getting two words - EARTH MOTHER. So I now had a name for what I had seen. :-)

The second friend I spoke to asked me why I hadn't seen her heart or why bees were coming from her breasts. I asked about this and was shown that her heart is a beehive, full of honey and bees. It is warm and buzzy and it holds all the seasons in it. It is female power.

The day I wrote to friend #1 I saw this on the Internet...

... and I knew I had a new set of friends to tell my story to. Particularly since I had already created my own "earth mother" for my Peace Globe...

So I told my next set of blogging friends - those busy Peace Bees working together to try to make our planet a better place. :-)

Now, today, I came across another friend talking about the power and strength of women. We were discussing female power and female animals that live in strong matriarchal societies like ants, elephants and bees.

Bees... the heart of female power hidden in a hive.

Over the weekend I tried to draw what I saw. It's very rough, but it gives a visual idea. If you click on it you can see it large with more detail:

Feet - old roots with new growth.
Legs - the deep blue oceans teeming with fish, dolphins and whales.
Stomach - Molten core of the Earth.
Heart - the hive and female power and all the seasons captured in the honey itself.
Throat - the sky and birds and the voice of every bird as one.
Hair - rain.
Eyes - the night sky and the Universe.

What better way to see in this year's Blogblast for Peace than with the essence of the planet itself as a powerful yet gentle loving all-embracing mother. :-)

...

Standing Stones

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Sunday, 10th May, was the day Standing Women had their annual stand for a better world scheduled. Each year they ask that everyone participating stands:

"for five minutes of silence at 1 p.m. your local time on May 10, 2009, in your local park, school yard, gathering place, or any place you deem appropriate, to signify your agreement with the statement below. Please stand at a different hour with a different time zone if 1 p.m. is not your preferred time.We ask you to invite the men who you care about to join you."

Well, this year I had completely forgotten the date, but remembered just in time to make my stand... in a cemetery!

Here is where I stood on Sunday, at Tomnahurich cemetery in Inverness.

Tomnahurich is much more than just a cemetery and on Sunday the experience of being there turned out to be much more than I expected as well. Tomnahurich means "Hill of the Yews", but once, long long before there was a graveyard there, it was known as the "Hill of the Fae", a magical gateway between the worlds of mortals and magic.

The first time I ever set foot on Tomnahurich was when I came out on holiday to meet my future husband. That time I felt something really strange and amazing... and I've always wanted to go back. I've never had the chance, but this past Sunday hubby had to run an errand in Inverness and since it was a beautiful sunny day I suggested we go for a walk afterwards. I asked to go to the hill, since it's almost exactly seven years since I was last there. I like cemeteries. They're always peaceful, usually have lovely trees...

...and in this case also stunning views of Inverness and the surrounding area from the top.

You see, Tomnahurich is shaped, as hubby puts it, a bit like an ocean liner. It's a long hill with a flat top. Here's the view from the top, first from one end and then the other...

 

When I was here the first time, walking along that middle path, I stepped into the centre and felt as if I stepped through something I can only describe as "electric jelly." :-o The air wobbled and tingled. I tried stepping back through it again... but it was gone. Nothing.

So, this year on Standing Women's day I finally went back and stood with some very special "standing stones" on a double anniversary. You see, not only was I last there roughly seven years before, but my husband's father was buried there roughly thirty years ago in early May. Hubby went looking for the grave, while I stood, but couldn't find it. He remembered the area, but had a feeling the stone had been renewed by another family member and couldn't remember what the new stone looked like.

He was busy going up and down the rows and rows of graves when I saw something - a man in a white shirt standing by a grave in the distance. Long seeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up to just below his elbows, grey trousers... It was only a picture in my mind and I dismissed it as just that - my imagination, but the feeling of being pulled to that grave was so intense I gave up trying to stand and went across to where I'd "seen" the man. It was way over in another area of the graveyard, far away from where my husband was looking for his dad, but it was a nice day and I enjoyed the walk.

I came down the path... looked down at the grave where the man had been standing... and there was the name of my husband's father.

Two anniversaries, two people standing - one passed standing to be remembered and one present standing for the future. All in all I'd call that a pretty amazing day.

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Amazing Grace

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The word “grace”, in the dictionary, is described as:

an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion. ... Divine Grace also can be defined as God's empowering presence in ones life enabling them to do and be what they were created to do and be.

I wrote recently that I’ve come to realise that grace goes further than I thought... and that takes me to the story of Myrt. It’s not a short story, but Myrt wants it told and I think it’s worth telling, especially since it shows a side to the word ‘grace’ that I suspect many people don’t know, but to explain that I first need to explain Myrt.

Now and then (fairly rare) I have lucid dreams and this was one of them, a nightmare in fact. I was in a forest being chased by something I couldn’t see. I decided to stop and challenge my ‘monster’ and a huge wolf came out of the darkness. It snarled a lot, but up close I could see it was actually rather pathetic – very thin with matted dirty fur. In other lucid dreams I’d chased off scary things, but this one made me feel pity. I decided to do something different. I spoke to the wolf and told it I would groom out all the knots in its fur if it stopped chasing me. It acted surprised and kept growling, but it was willing to stand quietly as I brushed its fur. I woke up thinking “crazy dream” and went on with my life… but later that day the wolf came back. I could ‘see’ him standing behind me in the bedroom in my mirror. When he realised I did see him he went mad, running about barking excitedly like a happy puppy… and he never really went away.

For the next three years Myrt was ‘there’ - big, black, and sometimes a bit scary, but always friendly in a wild exuberant way. I knew he was what some would call a “lower entity” – something more dark than light, but he was so happy to be cared about that I never felt creepy having him around. Slowly I got symbols and images from him, including the name MYRTLE when I asked. He also made it very clear that he wanted to ‘earn his keep’ by being both a guardian and a protector. Whenever I use my abilities… there’s Myrt, vigilant and protective - a bit intimidating, but also rather comforting. One day, about two years back, I was thinking about the fact he is a dark entity and it made me feel sad. I’ve grown to love Myrt and you want good things for any creature you love – not darkness or unhappiness.

I was looking at him, thinking how much I loved and cared about this strange creature, and in that moment I actually saw Myrt evolve. It was mind-boggling. I ‘saw’ him as himself.. and then light exploded from his eyes and body, so bright I couldn’t see. When it cleared he was a creature made of pure light. No physical form left - just light. His tail dripping stars like a sparkler. From that day on Myrt either came in the form of a white wolf or white dog.

After a while I suppose I just got so used to him being there I didn’t think about it being weird anymore. Then this summer something changed. It was around the time I saw the angels on our holiday trip. Myrt came bounding in, stood up on his hind legs… and morphed into a man with large black wings. I thought “WOW, is Myrt actually my guardian angel?” ,but I got a very clear reply “FALLEN ANGEL”.

It made no sense to me at first, I can be fairly thick at times. Every time I try to ask this new Myrt who he really is I get the same reply – fallen angel. I’ve asked the guardian angels I know and everyone gives me the same words – fallen angel.

I always knew the nightmare creature I first met was dark, but the fact he might be an actual fallen angel? No way! To get my head around that idea has taken me months and it’s only recently that I’ve realised what this actually means. Something even more radical than my friendship with Myrt and the reason he keeps pushing me for his story to be told. Because Myrt is proof of grace - a fallen angel who has stepped back into the light. Not perfect (he still creeps out one of the angels I know), but not damned either. Christians are used to the concept that God’s love embraces all humankind, regardless of their unworthiness, but I’m not sure how many are aware that Love and Grace go further than just our species.

Myrt wants it known that love does make a difference, can make a difference, regardless of how ‘dark’ or ‘fallen’ any creature might think itself. I didn’t change Myrt, he chose to change himself, but I’d like to think the fact I showed him kindness helped. I don’t know Myrt’s story, perhaps I never will. It’s not really relevant to me. What he was isn’t as important as what he is becoming and the fact I have been able to share in that is more humbling than anything I could ever express in written words. All I can add is the small fragments I’ve gathered from Myrt himself – that he once hated God, but doesn’t any longer. He keeps showing me the image of himself throwing doves up into the air. He has been set free to once again “be what he was created to do and be”.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me....

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now, I see...

...

Angels amongst Us...

...

Genie asked some really great questions about my experiences of seeing angels. Rather than bury this in the replies I thought I'd start a new blog post.

Okay, what do you think angels are because, frankly, the whole angels with wings thing just does NOT sit with me. ... I wonder, do you think wings are what you see or do you think wings are what you interpret? For that matter, do you think bodies are what you see or what you interpret? I'm extremely curious about this whole subject.

What do I think about Angels? I think they are not human, nor ever were human. These are not ghosts or spirits. They are a higher energy/life force than us, but "higher" doesn't automatically mean more advanced or superior. They're just different and they do seem to watch over us, and even communicate with and protect us at times.

They have been called many things by many different cultures, but the basic concept is always the same - they are messengers and protectors who work for God. Depending on your spiritual/religious faith you could call them Higher Beings or Light Beings and change the word "God" to Creator, Source or Great Spirit or... it's all the same really.

I think the wings and body shapes are purely symbolic. It's no more than a way to convey an idea or a message. It is interesting to me how angels are shown as winged and pretty in religious Christian art. Fact is the Bible makes no reference to angels having wings... or being pretty! In fact some angels are downright scary. Angels as messengers seem to mostly look human - no wings. I'm not even sure Archangels are ever described as winged. Cherubim were described as having wings, but in their case this is multiple wings and even multiple heads! Our modern image of a cherub as a fat baby is actually based on the ancient god of love - Cupid. So Biblical angels looked either completely human or extremely inhuman. I believe the inhuman versions, such as cherubim, is simply symbolism.

The best way I can explain that is to tell another story. I mentioned in Reflections that I saw my family's angels clearer the second time around. At the time I wasn't sure if it was right to give the details of what I saw in public, but I think it might help to do so.

What I saw was very symbolic and fitted each person in my family. My dad's angel looks exactly like the angels you get on Christmas trees. Pretty, blonde, white wings. Traditional and sort of heart-warming, which fits my dad perfectly! My mom's angel I only got wings at first. Very beautiful wings marbled in black, cream and deep rose pink. Then later it opened the wings to show... a Griffin's head! My mom's guardian is a Griffin. This fits her family ancestry/history.

I first saw my guardian angel as a wolf or a dog. No wings, not even human, but always there protecting me and watching over me... and in forms I like and feel happy with - I love dogs and wolves. :-) Once in a dream I saw "him" as a man with black wings, but only very recently have the two images blurred into each other and now sometimes I see the wolf and sometimes the human figure with black wings. The black wings are for crow - a bird that has special meaning for me.

So each angel/guardian appeared in a form that each person could relate to and feel good about. But the most vivid example of how this is purely symbolic was my husband's guardian.

I saw a female wearing a golden mask. The mask changed twice and both times the symbols were things that relate very personally to my husband. I asked this angel to show me her face... and she took off the mask.

For a few seconds I saw a woman's face, but then it began to change. The face became another woman, then another - Black, White, Asian, old young, pretty, plain, even famous - I saw Cher's face in there! The faces were changing every second and grew faster until they were just a blur and that was when the angel put the mask back on.

... because they are all just masks. The faces, the wings, the body shapes are just make-believe masks. Human minds can't cope with a creature that has such a vastly different make-up to us so they create these "masks" of symbols and shapes we find easy to accept.

I also think/believe we come into contact with the human shape angels in our lives without realising it, or only realising it later. I have had an experience like that. In hospital about 15 years back a nurse came to me after my operation and told me "Don't be afraid. God is taking care of you." This male nurse was very distinctive and easy to remember. Firstly, male nurses are fairly rare and this guy was tall, well-built and very black. He looked like a Zulu. I waited to see him again, to thank him, but he never returned to my ward. Eventually I asked about him, but the doctors and nurses said no-one like that worked at the hospital. He simply did not exist.
I was completely awake when he spoke to me, admittedly I was in a lot of pain, but not to the point of hallucinating and creating big Zulu guys in Nurse uniforms! Was he an angel messenger? I like to think so.

He's not a unique story either. I've heard so many stories of people who have been helped or warned by strangers who just seem to appear and then... gone. I have no firm explanation on what they are, or why they sometimes step in to help us, but I'm glad to know they do seem to watch over us.

Reflections

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My dad took this photo in Glastonbury. It's of an altar cloth covered in embroidered angels. If you kind of squint and concentrate you can just see me standing on the right. I love this photo, even though it failed as an attempt to get a clear shot of that altar cloth. I love it because the colours are so beautiful and because every time I look at it I feel like who I am makes sense. 

The hardest thing about having any kind of extra-sensory ability is in trying to explain it. Most of the time words just don't seem to fit and I'm left feeling frustrated... but with this photo I can show what I cannot tell. When I "see and hear" things they are almost always in my mind and not literal. It's as if my brain gets a double image - my thoughts with this other reality beyond them. Just like that photo with it's reflections of worlds within worlds I see and hear in another layer reflected through from one of those other worlds. Just like that photo it can be confusing to make out the details, but there's never any doubt that I am seeing two very different realities reflected over each other. 

Sometimes the reflections on the glass in my mind obscure parts of what I get and then I'm left with pieces and fragments only. Other times it all just "clicks" and the reflection fades... and I see through the glass in perfect clarity. Those perfect clear moments are a "high" that cannot be matched. I had a moment like that on the way home from our holiday. Usually I don't share things like this in public, but I think I need to be true to who I am more. 

On the way home on the motorway I was drifting as I listened to music on the radio. Being a passenger in a car is the closest I get to meditating. ;-) Everywhere else I'm either too busy or too easily distracted. So we were on the motorway (M1 going North) where I had loads of time to drift and "car meditate". I kept seeing this angel sitting on our car roof. Looking a bit bored, chin in hand. Sitting sideways with his feet dangling over my window. I've seen this angel around me before. I suspect he's always been around me - my guardian angel, for want of a better description.

I tried to see if I could see anyone else's guardian angels. What I got was a lot more than I'd expected. This time I saw my husband's angel and I also saw the wings of my mom's angel and my dad's. No more than that though. I got a bit frustrated that I couldn't get more detail and kind of gave up… started watching the scenery and passing cars. That was when I realised I could feel angels everywhere. I felt them first, very intense, then started to see them. Not clear, but clear enough to say there was an angel sitting in the lotus position on top of the large lorry/truck in front of us.

I even saw two angels playing what looked like dominoes on top a car full of a mom-dad-kids family. They realised I could see them and waved... I did not wave back! All the angels seemed to realise I could see them at that moment and for a while the sensation was very intense. A wonderful feeling of everyone being connected. Like a huge crazy web of light threads from every car, and person and angel. Then we pulled off the motorway to have a meal and I lost the connection, but that vision of all those angels above every car will never leave me.

Looking back at that photo I had another idea. Maybe the "glass" is more like that mirror glass that becomes transparent when light shines through it. Without the light all you see is your own reflection... then someone turns on the light behind it and *BANG* - you can see straight through!

That really fits for me. I even know what acts as the switch that flips on the light. The switch is always Love, one way or another. Which makes perfect sense really - Light is just Love made visible.

:-)...

NEWS FLASH for March

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With credit to Jeff for inventing NEWS FLASH. Jeff, I changed SPORT to SMILES. I just cannot think of anything related to Sport to talk about.

NEWS FLASH is basically news or thoughts that may be changing over time - an update or an evolution of thought that covers a multiple of topics. It is what makes a blogger tick and it is the reason why we read. So, with that in mind, I came up with NEWS FLASH as an acronym that stands for what is going on in life:

News (or current events)
Entertainment (movies, TV, celebrity, etc.)
Work (thoughts on the job or employer)
Spirit (thoughts on God and/or the supernatural)
Family (or friends)
Love
Anxiety (a rant or a trouble)
Smiles (something that made you smile or will make your reader's smile), and
Home (house, yard, or even another family type of thought).

NEWS - we're moving at last!
The biggest news for us is that we have found a new house to rent. Hooray! :-) We move on the 3rd of April so I might be off the blogs a while before and after. Last time it took them two weeks to set up our internet connection. Let's hope this time we can get back faster.

ENTERTAINMENT - Holy Sheep!
There's been very little of this lately. Between packing and searching for a house and health woes we haven't had one weekend drive or even visited family since the Christmas holidays. The most entertaining thing that has happened this month is... sheep. :-)

Last week I'm in the kitchen making tea when my mom yells "come look!" ...our garden is full of sheep! I phoned a neighbour who tells me to phone the local laird, who owns and rents out several farms in this area. I got him on the phone first try and he was very nice about it. He apologised and said he'd come get them out personally. I was out in the garden when he arrived and I helped him herd them out the yard. He was just as I'd been told by the locals - a complete eccentric. He looks like a tramp, talks like an "uppercrust" and drives a 4 x 4 that looks like it's been used in several wars. I didn't get a photo of the Laird, but my mom did get pictures of the sheep...



WORK - a Dull Month.
The biggest slog the last few months has been looking for a house to rent. Beyond that there hasn't been much I can think of to write about except to add that Hubby is working over Easter to make some extra money, because moving means added expenses.

SPIRIT - Learning to Trust.
The hardest part of having any kind of psychic abilities is learning to trust that you're not crazy or imagining things. If you are a sane sensible person your first instinct will always be to query and double-check, but cynicism or lack of trust is always bad for a relationship, especially in connecting to God or your spiritual self.

Recently I had a small victory in trusting myself. Sometimes passed (deceased) people come to me. Before last year the only people I ever had contact with were my own passed family. I don't normally get messages from people I don't know, but that has been changing the last year or two. Last month I received a message from a recently deceased person. I never knew this person and I only vaguely know one of his family. I was reading about the death online and started feeling so sad and... there the person was.

It took me a while to trust and listen. I didn't want the burden of responsibility for passing on messages. I tried to pretend the person wasn't there, but I couldn't keep it up. The person was so nice and just wanted the chance to tell their family a last goodbye. How could I refuse to help? So I trusted and wrote down their message. Some things in the message were basic, but one part of the message startled me. The message included a sentence about "being with a parent". As far as I knew this parent was still alive! It contradicted what (I thought) I knew about the family. Had I imagined it? Was I wrong? Should I leave that out? I figured all I could do was TRUST... I sent the message exactly as I'd had it given to me.

I got an email the next morning from the relative. In it they explained that the parent was indeed deceased as well. Something I didn't know because I don't really know the family. If I hadn't trusted I'd have messed up badly by leaving out that info, or by putting my own interpretation on it.

It feels fantastic to be able to connect people who love each other. Oh, I may mess up and get it wrong in the future, I'm only human, but for now I feel amazingly good. I've started to realise that love and emotions are the connection, the "telephone wire" you could say. The moment I connect emotionally to another person - they can then connect to me. I'm learning that love knows no boundaries... and that feels amazingly good to know as well. :-)

FAMILY - connections.
What is "family"? Is it the connection of blood and genetics or love and sharing?

The more I think about this topic the more blurry the definition seems. I have four adopted friends who rate blood connections very low in the family definition list. I have friends who feel more like family than relatives and relatives who are such good friends that calling them just "family" seems to lessen how important they are to me. I have no birth sisters, but online I have several sisters I'd be lost without having in my life. I have cousins, in-laws, and parents, who should be classified as good friends as well as family. :-) ...and I have a few "family" I would probably list under enemies if it wasn't for the fact they were related to me! ;-)

I think the connection of love is all that matters. The people I am connected to by my heart are my family. Who are your "family"?

LOVE - weddings and anniversaries
In May some internet friends of ours are returning to Scotland for their anniversary. They were married here about four years ago and Hubby and I were their witnesses. :-) Later this year a blogger friend is getting married in Scotland as well...

BEST wishes to Bassman and Matchgirl!

ANXIETY - health.
The biggest anxiety was the fear we wouldn't find a place to rent and could face eviction. Beyond that my health has been a bother. Here I think Hubby and my parents are more anxious than I am. I'm just tired of waiting. I had surgery this time last year for an ovarian cyst. I had hoped I was on the mend, but last September I started having bad pain again and my stomache blew up. The doctors couldn't figure it out at first, but this January they finally realised - I have a hernia. Seems my stomach muscles have had enough after two surgeries and three laparoscopies. I've been swollen up (like ate a beach ball) since September and it's really depressing. I can't fit into any clothes except s-t-r-e-t-c-h pants and even they hurt after a few hours. So at home I wander around in my gown or caftan feeling like a frumpy slob. Plus I'm not allowed to strain or lift things so life is very boring with me not wanting to be seen in public and not able to do much to keep busy.

I'm due to see the surgeon in April and hopefully they can figure out how to fix this. Normally they'd just fix the hernia right away, but I have internal damage and problems related to my ovary that may need extensive serious surgery and they can't fix the hernia and then do the big surgery so they will need to do the ops in the right order or together. I'm actually so sick of being sick that I'm impatient to get this done now.

SMILES - the joy of being a failure.

This news clip may look long, but it is well worth reading! :-)

And the Band Played Badly...By ALEXANDER McCALL SMITH (Published: March 9, 2008)

WHY should real musicians - the ones who can actually play their instruments - have all the fun?

Some years ago, a group of frustrated people in Scotland decided that the pleasure of playing in an orchestra should not be limited to those who are good enough to do so, but should be available to the rankest of amateurs. So we founded the Really Terrible Orchestra, an inclusive orchestra for those who really want to play, but who cannot do so very well. Or cannot do so at all, in some cases.

My own playing set the standard. I play the bassoon, even if not quite the whole bassoon. I have never quite mastered C-sharp, and I am weak on the notes above the high D. In general, I leave these out if they crop up, and I find that the effect is not unpleasant. I am not entirely untutored, of course, having had a course of lessons in the instrument from a music student who looked quietly appalled while I played. Most of the players in the orchestra are rather like this; they have learned their instruments at some point in their lives, but have not learned them very well. Now such people have their second chance with the Really Terrible Orchestra.

The announcement of the orchestra's founding led to a great wave of applications to join. Our suspicion that there were many people yearning to play in an orchestra but who were too frightened or too ashamed to do anything about it, proved correct. There was no audition, of course, although we had toyed with the idea of a negative audition in which those who were too good would be excluded. This proved to be unnecessary. Nobody like that applied to join.

Some of the members were very marginal musicians, indeed. One of the clarinet players, now retired from the orchestra for a period of re-evaluation, stopped at the middle B-flat, before the instrument's natural break. He could go no higher, which was awkward, as that left him very few notes down below. Another, a cellist, was unfortunately very hard of hearing and was also hazy on the tuning of the strings. As an aide-mémoire, he had very sensibly written the names of the notes in pencil on the bridge. This did not appear to help.

At the outset, we employed a professional conductor, which is a must for anybody who is reading this and who is already planning to start a similar orchestra.

Find somebody who is tolerant and has a sense of humor. The conductor also has to be sufficiently confident to be associated with something called the Really Terrible Orchestra; after all, it does go on the résumé.

Our initial efforts were dire, but we were not discouraged. Once we had mastered a few pieces - if mastered is the word - we staged a public concert. We debated whether to charge for admission, but wisely decided against this. That would be going too far.
So should we go to the other extreme and pay people to come? There was some support for this, but we decided against it. Instead, we would give the audience several free glasses of wine before the concert. That, it transpired, helped a great deal.

We need not have worried. Our first concert was packed, and not just with friends and relations. People were intrigued by the sheer honesty of the orchestra's name and came to see who we were. They were delighted. Emboldened by the rapturous applause, we held more concerts, and our loyal audience grew. Nowadays, when we give our annual concert at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, the hall is full to capacity with hundreds of music-lovers. Standing ovations are two-a-penny.

"How these people presume to play in public is quite beyond me," wrote one critic in The Scotsman newspaper. And another one simply said "dire." Well, that may be so, but we never claimed to be anything other than what we are. And we know that we are dire; there's no need to state the obvious. How jejune these critics can be!

Even greater heights were scaled. We made a CD and to our astonishment people bought it. An established composer was commissioned to write a piece for us. We performed this and recorded it at a world premiere, conducted by the astonished composer himself. He closed his eyes. Perhaps he heard the music in his head, as it should have been. This would have made it easier for him.

There is now no stopping us. We have become no better, but we plow on regardless. This is music as therapy, and many of us feel the better for trying. We remain really terrible, but what fun it is. It does not matter, in our view, that we sound irretrievably out of tune. It does not matter that on more than one occasion members of the orchestra have actually been discovered to be playing different pieces of music, by different composers, at the same time. I, for one, am not ashamed of those difficulties with C-sharp. We persist. After all, we are the Really Terrible Orchestra, and we shall go on and on. Amateurs arise - make a noise.

Alexander McCall Smith is the author of the forthcoming novel "The Miracle at Speedy Motors."

Hear them play:http://thereallyterribleorchestra.com/index.html

HOME - Forgetting.

I realised yesterday that I have started to forget places and faces from Africa. When I first arrived here I'd see people on the streets who looked like people I knew "back home" in South Africa... and I'd feel instantly homesick. :-( Now, yesterday, I recognised (and greeted) four people I actually knew from here. I'm finally seeing here as HOME, rather than the other way around. Nothing can take away who I am or where I have come from, but it feels good to belong and be happy to be a part of my new HOME. :-)

...