Rebel, Rebel!

I have had a short story chosen for the annual Scottish Book Trust non-fiction writing event. This year the theme was REBEL.

Rebel Rebel, pick up yer pen
Rebel Rebel, we want tae ken

Books can be ordered for free in Scotland, but you can read my story and other entries HERE.

My story, The Cold War, is HERE. 

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The Green Chickens of Mars

A long time ago, in a living room far far away... I discovered the awesome powers of the Green Chickens of Mars.

It began one average day. I was talking to a family member (you know who you are! :P ) and had a hunch that they weren't actually listening to me. I'd say something... they'd go "mmm?" or "mmm..."

A strange, mad power enveloped me... I opened my mouth and said, "They've discovered green chickens on Mars."

 
My non-listener replied, "mmmm..."

I finally had proof!

Since then, for well over two decades, I have used the Green Chickens of Mars whenever I'm in doubt that people are listening to me. It works brilliantly and instantly picks out who was utterly not listening... 

Me: "The Green Chickens of Mars are invading this summer."

Them: "mmm..."

from those who were half listening, but need to be refocused...

Me: "The Green Chickens of Mars have invented trans-dimensional time travel."

Them: "Uh... WHAT did you say? Chickens of WHERE?"

to the odd few who were actually listening...

Me: "The Green Chickens of Mars are famous for their minty freshness."

Them: "How does this relate to what we are talking about?"

 Whichever reaction I end up with, it's always fun. I love those Green Chickens!

Comic book cover thanks to Pulp-o-mizer.

Go check out the rest of Bradley's art. His Celtic shop is equally awesome.

Monty Puthon and the Holy Quest of YO

I was text/chatting a friend (Kim) today. We both tend to be typo queens and we share the same kind of silly humour, hence the title of this blog post. 

We were talking about life in general. We've been friends a long time and in that time we've both gone through a lot, good and bad. I was commenting on how people talk about life as being a plod up a mountain, but that's not quite true. 

I said, "No one tells you that ascending the mountain is done on a yoyo bungie cord."

Because that's how life feels, doesn't it? Today you're feeling epic, like you're striding up the mountain and then suddenly you fall ten feet as some unexpected problem hits you only to go  *SPROING* upwards as you find a way to bounce back. 

Kim agreed and added, "and with the frequent head whack on the side of the mountain."

That's when I saw us; a clear vision in my mind. We weren't spiders, we were Knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, valiantly questing through life's ups and downs with irreverence, mild insanity and a complete lack of co-ordination, 

...but when I tried to tell Kim my epic vision I typed "Monty Puthon" and we both ended up laughing. It was downhill into silliness after that.

Goodness knows, we all need more humour lately! The world seems to be winding itself up on seriousness.  I've also noticed way more touchiness around the internet. I've been unfriended twice on Facebook for my "offensive" life choices and once for my political views. Considering the fact I'm politically Green, tolerant of all religions and not interested in anyone's sex life... that's quite a feat! The three people I've offended come from completely different political views and religions, so Kim pointed out that at least I'm "an equally-offending opportunity partner". LOL

But it's not just others who have been more touchy this year. I've had  my moments of losing my temper as well. Some arguments have been equally matched with irritation both sides.

Laughing today about the up-and-downs of life, I realised that I need to get the YO back in my yoyo. That mojo of magical madness, irreverent Heyoka humour and silly walks. Life is too short for taking seriously.
 
It's much easier to climb the mountain if you lighten your load. ;)

Movie Cuts

A while back, someone I knew told me how they had managed to miss the ending of Ben Hur three times thanks to freaky bad luck. I had something similar with South Pacific. It was on TV during a thunderstorm and about 15 minutes before the end... bzzzt... nothing.

But my most annoying, frustrating and yet also most funny cut-off moment wasn't due to a power cut. It was... well, let me tell you the story! It all started in a movie theatre, on a planet in a galaxy far far away...

 

It was some time in my teenage years and the movie was the long-awaited sequel to the first original Star Wars.

I'd been waiting an eternity to find out what happened next. Now finally, there I was sitting with all the other excited Star Wars fans waiting to watch the sequel. The movie started and the magic began. Luke Skywalker came bounding back into our reality, riding a wonderfully weird alien critter on a planet of snow. I was hooked, once again.

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Luke, seemingly lost in the snow, sees a vision beginning to form before him. The ghostly figure of Obi-Wan Kenobi appears. Luke stares... shocked.

The entire audience held their breath as Obi-Wan lifted a hand and, with a deeply serious look on his face, he pointed at Luke and said... (in a very loud, unknown voice)

"Will Johnny Smith please call at the front desk.

 Your mother wants to talk to you."

Noooooooo

What kind of insensitive idiot breaks in with a message at the critical moment of a movie?

Now, you have to remember I was a teen and my finances did not run to seeing a movie a second time purely to hear one or two sentences. And this was long LONG before video tapes or DVDs. I had to wait ten years to finally rent the movie out from a video shop and find out what Obi-Wan said.

And you know what's really funny? I can't remember what he actually said! I'll forever remember him humiliating Johnny Smith, and probably bringing about the break up of his relationship with his mother, in front of an entire jam-packed Saturday audience.

Family Stories ~ Naming of Parts

Naming of Parts.

I am 14 years old and my mother's aunt and uncle are coming to visit. I've never met them. They are my mother's father's family - the Scottish Dutch side. My mother has cleaned the house for their visit and I've helped. We have swept and polished and dusted and now the house is beautiful and clean, but we are filthy. My mother is panicking because she wanted to wash and change into clean clothes and our guests have arrived early. She tells me to make tea and entertain them while she gets cleaned up.

I take as long as possible to make tea and hide in the kitchen, but I can't stay there forever. I take the tea through, and the tray with plates of little cakes and biscuits. They make me sit between them on the couch. My great uncle Laurence looks nice. He looks a bit like my grandfather, his older brother, but he's thinner and he smiles more. My great aunt Gertie looks okay. She has bright eyes like a bird and she's staring at me...

She says, "You have cousin Connie's ears. Do you see that Laurence? She has Connie's ears, but that nose… that nose is Doreen's."

Great Uncle Laurence smiles and eats a biscuit. He asks me some simple questions I don't remember any more.

Aunty Gertie is still watching me. She sips her tea and continues talking, "Your mother now. Your mother has the same eyes as great aunt Ida, but I think her face shape is more like uncle Len's. Not like your aunt. Now she is exactly like aunty Phyllis... although Phyllis has Margery's teeth and that's unfortunate."

As I sit there between them I feel myself disintegrating. I am floating away on a sea of unknown relatives who all have prior claim to my "bits". Who am I? I am a patchwork collection of family pieces. There is no "ME". There is only Connie's ears and Doreen's nose and Gaileen's smile. I always thought I was ME. Unique. Complete. But now I'm finding out that I'm simply a collection of family body parts. Nothing belongs to me. I feel lost and strangely taken apart, like a human jigsaw puzzle.

Many years passed and one day I found myself at Great Uncle Laurence's funeral in Johannesburg. After the service all the family gather at the old family home. They are all there, all my Scottish-Dutch cousins... blonde and built like Vikings, even the girls are over 6 foot tall. I am 5 foot 3 and dark. I feel like a pygmy. I wander around, squeezing between unknown people eating plates of food. I feel lost again. I go to sit on the floor by great aunty Gertie. She is smaller and thinner, but her eyes are still very bright. We sit in the corner and watch five generations of family talking, eating, remembering… An unknown relative asks who I am.

Who are you?

Who ARE you?

Who are YOU?

…and Aunty Gertie starts to talk, "This is your second cousin, Michelle. She is your grandfather's brother's daughter's daughter. Can't you see? She has your mother's ears, but when she smiles she's the image of your sister."

As she talks I feel myself being connected. Before I felt taken apart, but here at this funeral I am being woven into the family by my ears and my hair and the colour of my eyes. I start to see things. My cousin Al has his great uncle's jaw and his daughters  look like Aunty Gertie's daughter's daughter. And how come I never noticed before that we ALL have the family nose? It is a big nose, it's hard to miss. A long sharp Scottish nose. Cleopatra would have envied that nose!

I watch these unknown family moving and talking. Family groups laugh the same and their body language is the same too. I notice, to my embarrassment, that my own personal portion of family stand out like parrots in a flock of chickens. We may look like all the others, but we talk louder and we wave our hands around. My grandmother's Greek-Irish blood shows only in me physically, but all of us carry it in the way we talk. We are louder and more emotional. We are more fun… we are embarrassing. We are something I sometimes hate. We are something I cannot escape.

...and suddenly I understand. This is what family means. It isn't being torn apart - it's being created out of a hundred different people who are all unique and yet... we carry the same ears, the same noses, the same smiles. Wherever we go in the world we will take that with us. We will always have this "home" within us. It lies in our blood and our genetics. We cannot escape it - we are the sum of all those parts. We are family.

A New View of Skye

Several years ago, we went to Skye for the day. I'd completely forgotten about it until recently. My friend, Amel, reminded me. She was talking about her trip to London. You should go look at her photos. they're great! She even took photos of some really fancy public toilets. That made me laugh, because I've been known to take photos of public toilets as well! :D

And that's when I remembered the toilet in Skye. This was at a little place, where you stopped before going across the bridge that links Skye to the mainland. It was completely decorated with posters, postcards, toys and ornaments. I've never seen anything like it!

Here's the photos... 

My First Selfie

I took my first selfie this week. Yeah, I know - I'm a late bloomer! 

I think many photographers fall into that trap of being more interested in what is around them. I love nature, I find human faces awesome (wish I was a portrait artist/photographer), but with all that looking outwards I tend to forget my eyes are in a face as well. LOL LOL 

Drum roll moment... here I am.  Taken on the spur of the moment, so excuse the crazy angle. 

All you Need is...

I had an epiphany on Christmas day. It made me laugh till I was breathless, which is the way of all great life moments, and that's why I think it's worth sharing. ;-)

It started with frustration and irritation. My dad was trying to reply to a text message on his new mobile phone. The message was from a friend in South Africa and for some unknown reason the reply feature would not work. Hubby has the same phone, but he never texts, so he wasn't able to instantly offer advice.

Eventually, hubby decided to try sending a text message to our home phone, to see if it was perhaps actually sending, but not saying it was sending.  (don't you love electronic gadgets?)

 He was right. Although neither his phone nor dad's stated the message was sent, our home phone rang instantly. Hubby picked up, confirmed it was the message service and hung up. The good news was that dad's message had sent... probably about seven times, since he'd kept trying again when it gave no sign of having sent! Which was the bad news for his friend in Africa who must have wondered why dad wished him Merry Christmas over and over... and over.

And that wasn't the only phone message sending over and over. Our home phone rang again and I was the one to answer. It was a recorded voice from BT telling me we still hadn't listened to our sent message. Because while hubby picked up he never bothered to listen to his own sent text.

I figured I better listen to the thing, or that recorded voice "She" would be back nagging and nagging. I pressed #1, as requested and she told me (in her weird stilted recording voice)...

"Your text message is... uh?"

Uh?

I was so puzzled I asked for a repeat, went back to press #1 again and she said (again)...

"Your text message is... UH?"

I put down the phone and went to find my husband. I asked him what exactly he'd written. He was surprised I'd heard anything. All he'd sent in his test text was one letter of the alphabet.He'd sent an R.

"R?" I asked.

"R!" he replied.

 I started to giggle. Because depending on the emotional emphasis to your voice that one letter takes on an entire different meaning! Try it for yourself.

Say it as I did, and it sounds like a puzzled question, just like the phone recording voice!

 

Say it firmly and it sounds like a confirmation.

Say it in a seductive voice and it suddenly sounds flirtatious.



say it sweetly and you'll sound like an angel.

Best still - say it when you're angry. Give it depth and RoaR from your gut.

Better than a swear word and it won't offend anyone. ;-)

There's an R for every mood and human moment. All my years of talking, writing, and trying to communicate with others and all I needed was an R. It's so simple! All I can say is...

All About The Bass

Something cheerful and thought-provoking to brighten your day. All About the Bass by Meghan Trainor.

I love the lyrics! Wish I'd had this song when I was 16. ;-)

A Bird's Eye View...

Of a bird's eye!

And who exactly does this beady staring eye belong to? A very bossy and rather overly tame herring gull. We call it "Quark", because that's the noise it makes when its happy.

Here is Quark, standing looking in the kitchen window while I try to wash the dishes.

It's hard to concentrate on dish washing when someone is STARING at you like that!

Even worse when they start to impatiently tap on the window and "tut-tut" because you haven't noticed them and offered a nice snack of stale bread or left-overs.

We have not been encouraging Quark. We are not feeding him/her, but that hasn't helped much. Quark is convinced we are wonderful people ready to share our food as long as we are reminded of hungry herring gulls. At breakfast time... Quark is there, peering in the dining room windows. During the day you'll find Quark trying to act casual as he/she stands on the garden bench (better view of the kitchen) or potters about the garden.

He or she? I have no idea, but Quark is fond of gathering twigs and moss for nesting... then forgetting it in the birdbath or one of our pot plants. A she, maybe? The bossiness and constant nagging certainly feels female! Maybe we should rename her  Quarkina or Quarkette.

Checkmate

I was sent a very funny link today, to a story that could best be summed up as, "Never underestimate small children."

I recommend reading about the Marine who made this mistake!

His story reminded me of my own moment of hilarious horror and all it took was twins and a chessboard. The Twins, surprisingly enough, were keen members of the local library, where I had just begun working at the time. Other librarians went pale when they saw the Twins entering the building, but I'd never had any problems with them myself.

There are children that stand out from the rest and the Twins certainly did that! Cheeky, curious and talkative, this red-haired pair were Dennis the Menace, Bart Simpson and Bugs Bunny all rolled up into small bundles of freckle-faced charm. Oh yes, the twins were cute, that was part of the problem! They were keen on action and mystery stories. They would bring their books to the counter, taking turns in talking and constantly shifting places until your head spun. They were identical in every way... or so I thought.

I was working alone at the library, one autumn lunchtime, when the twins came in. They disappeared into the children's section and were no problem. Everything was quiet. Remarkably quiet. Then slowly the sound of small voices talking became yelling. One of the twins came marching towards the counter. He was so angry he looked fit to burst into flames. He took my hand and hauled me through to where his brother and a friend were standing beside a table with a chess board.

Twin one pointed at his brother and said, "He's CHEATING!"

Twin two yelled back that he was NOT a cheat and began to explain to me why his chess move was legal and permissible. And that was when I made my first big mistake. I smiled. I couldn't help it. The Twins playing chess seemed as unlikely as a barrel of monkeys doing yoga! And that moment of weakness was my downfall. The moment I smiled Twin two accused Twin one of saying he was a cheat because he was losing. Then they both turned to me and demanded justice. Identical angry scowls and outrage.

I tried. I really did, but when they started moving around the small table, each trying to win me over by explaining their case, I lost track of which was Twin one and who was Twin two and I made the worst mistake of all.

I chuckled.

And all hell broke loose. 

I have no idea which Twin threw the first pawn at his brother, but within seconds it seemed as if the library was full of raging red-haired imps with a never-ending supply of ammunition. When I tried to stop them they forgot their petty differences and joined forces. I was a junior librarian, inexperienced and they knew it. I never stood a chance. I remember a lot of yelling and screaming, some of it mine, and the clack of kings, pawns and bishops bouncing off book spines.

By the time it was over those two small boys had managed to send chess pieces everywhere! The Twins, now the best of friends once again, ran off before I could stop them. It took me hours to find all the chess pieces and tidy up the mess. There were queens wedged behind cookbooks and pawns in potted plants, two overturned chairs and several randomly flung books.

I had it all tidied up before the chief librarian returned from her lunch. She thought it was funny when I told her. She explained that the twins had earned quite a reputation over time. The stories of their naughtiness were legendary. Probably the worst being the time they had been caught taking turns to stand on each other's shoulder, trying and look into the women's toilets at the library. Apparently the screams of the woman who found them could be heard next door in the municipal offices.

I got off lightly in comparison to some of the stunts they'd pulled on other library staff. They were an excellent lesson  in NEVER underestimating small children!

The Best Stories are the Worst Moments

Have you ever noticed how many really funny stories relate to people's worst possible life moments? I received one of those "moments" in an email today. It was an email about most embarrassing first dates. I enjoyed the laugh and passed the email on. It's one of humanity's greatest gifts; the ability to look back at embarrassing moments, laugh at ourselves, and then use those stories to make others laugh as well.

What really amused me was that, about an hour earlier, I had sent out two emails to friends about my own dumb-funny life moments. Mine related to DIY and trying on clothing in a store. Both places where things can go badly wrong! ;) In my case the events were instantly funny rather than humiliating, but I have had those "I want to die" moments that make great stories years later. I've regularly shared my less-than-perfect life moments on my blog, like for Moments of Mud.

By now you're probably wondering what stories about myself I emailed today. The first one is easy. MY DIY moment relates to my natural clumsiness. Not that I look clumsy. I have learnt to hide it well.  Or, as an old school friend once put it, "You fall a lot, but you do it so gracefully." I wrote about that in Falling with Grace.

Back to DIY. I was varnishing a book case and I managed (how???) to get varnish on the back of my leg and knee. I was sitting on the floor, went to get up... and found out then that the varnish had glued my leg in a bent position. I fell face forward onto the book case.

The second story is more complex. Trying on clothing... you see, I'm both short and curvy. This is not something most fashion stores cater for. So trying on clothing has been a nightmare since I hit puberty. This particular time was over Christmas in the 1980s. I was in a shopping mall and noticed this really sexy party dress in a shop window. It looked a lot like this, except it was dark gold and shorter.

I wanted that dress! So I went in to try it on. The changing room was tiny and the dress was tight with a zip up the back. In other words... it was a bit like trying to wrestle yourself into an anaconda backwards. Sweating, struggling, I never had time to look up into the mirror until it was done. I smoothed the shimmery fabric over my hips... and looked up.



The dress fitted perfectly... from the hips down. Problem was I'm short and the designers clearly aimed their creations for much taller girls. The waistband of the dress was a crushing band around my ribcage. My breasts was flattened to oblivion due to the fact that the wired cups were ABOVE my bust line. The dress top cups were like two little silk and lace balconies, almost under my chin.

I burst out laughing and could not stop. I don't know what the other shoppers thought. I was in tears of laughter and the more I laughed, the more I gasped, and the more those sad little empty "balconies" jiggled about. Getting the dress off was just as hysterical. Not a Worst Moment, but certainly the most I have ever laughed in public.

What's your Best Worst Funniest moment? :-)

Thoughtful Thursday ~ Fluffy like Concrete

I'm revisiting an older post for my very first Thoughtful Thursday of 2014. Why? Because it's also my New Year's Resolution - to be fluffy like concrete.

Several years ago an online acquaintance accused me of being "fluffy New Age." In his opinion my spiritual views were vastly inferior to his own. Basically, his religion was darker and less forgiving than my viewpoint. He saw my optimism, my belief in a generous and kind God, as... fluffy.

At the time I was shocked. I had never thought of myself as New Age and I’d never thought of my spiritual beliefs as “fluffy.” I felt very insulted, until I remembered something my husband once told me. My husband once worked on a building site with a Welsh guy who used to work the concrete mixer. He'd admire the concrete and say, in a thick Welsh accent, “Nice and fluffeeee!”

I remember that and it all clicks into place. I think spiritual faith should always be fluffy like concrete – soft, gentle, loving and compassionate, but built on a strong personal foundation. Being gentle is not being weak. Standing in your own personal faith does not have to be done with aggression.
 

 It is possible for the meek to inherit the earth... if your heart is fluffy like concrete.

Silly Season

Something silly for a festive change of pace. A really mad look at Christmas cards. 

Enjoy!

Have a Purrfect Weekend!

Sorry I've been so absent. I've been sick, ALMOST managed to get pneumonia again, but got to the doctor on time. Now I'm at that stage where I'm bored with doing nother, but still have no energy to do anything. Instead I'm watching a lot of YouTube stuff and found this delight. It makes me smile every time I watch it. :)

Moments Like These...

I was reading Guyana Girl's blog yesterday. I sympathised, and laughed, at her latest post about power cuts - Sweet Cuts - Sour Cuts. It brought back lots of memories of those boring, frustrating, or just plain AWFUL moments when the power goes out. I still don't know how the movie, South Pacific, ends, thanks to a storm cutting the power.

But my most annoying, most frustrating, most funny cut off moment actually wasn't a power cut. It was... well, let me tell you the story!It all started in a movie theatre, on a planet, in a galaxy far far away...

 

The year was somewhere in my teenagedom and the movie was the long-awaited sequel to the first original Star Wars.

I'd been waiting an eternity to find out what happened next. Now, finally, there I was sitting, squashed in with all the other excited new Star Wars fans, to watch the sequel. The movie started, the magic began. Luke Skywalker came bounding back into our reality, riding a wonderfully weird alien critter on a planet of snow. I was hooked, once again.

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The action began, Luke, seemingly lost in the snow, sees a vision beginning to form before him. The ghostly figure of Obi-Wan Kenobi appears! Luke stares... shocked. The entire audience held their breath as Obi-Wan lifted a hand and, with a deeply serious look on his face, he pointed at Luke and said... (in a very loud strange man's voice????)

"Will Johnny Smith please call at the front desk.

 Your mother wants to talk to you."

Noooooooo

What kind of insensitive idiot breaks in with a message at the critical moment of a movie?

Now, you have to remember I was a teen and my finances did not run to seeing a movie a second time purely to hear one or two sentences. And this was long LONG before DVDs or even video tapes. I had to wait about ten years to finally rent the movie out from a video shop and find out what Obi-Wan said.

And you know what's really funny? I can't remember what he actually said! I'll forever remember him humiliating Johnny Smith, and probably bringing about the break up of his relationship with his mother, in front of an entire jam-packed Saturday audience.

Foilling in Love

Tomorrow is our tenth wedding Anniversary. Hubby went and looked  up the traditional gift for 10 and it is... tin or aluminium.

 Ehhh? Seems a bit dull for the first big milestone of marriage! What kind of gift is tin or aluminium?

All I could think of was tin foil hats...

Then it struck me... What else comes wrapped in sparkly bits of tin foil?

CHOCOLATE! :-D

I can see the obvious reason for a tin foil wedding anniversary now...   ;-)

it's all about foil-ling in love all over again!

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A Note from the Universe...

A friend sent me this in an email. I added the pictures myself. :-)

The Official Top Ten Spiritual Ways to Defeat Boredom, Make Friends, Find Love,  Shape Up, Discover Your Purpose and Shine Your Light are...

 1. Take action.

 2. Show up.

 

  
3. Lean into it.

 

4. Start anywhere.

5. Keep busy.

 

 6. Get out more.

 7. Ask for help.

8. Shake more hands.

9. Give more hugs.

 10. Don't stop.