This week, I've realised something huge - the old South Africa and (some of) the USA are very much alike; which is why so much of the USA stuff triggers me. It brings back a lot of bad memories. Maybe I've just been exceptionally unlucky, or maybe I've just been more aware. Either way, it was often nothing huge, just constant small slap downs. Slap... slap... slap... until you either break and give in or burst into Fury.
And for how to control the Fury and use it... I owe that to my mom and dad.
I had parents whose motto was, "If you see wrong - fix it, help it, heal it, and ALWAYS SPEAK OUT about it."
I had great role models. Tiresome at times. As a teenager, I didn't always appreciate the fact my parents stood up and got involved. As a teen you just want to be popular. But even then, I learned a lot, and it's made me a better person. I am so grateful for their foundation.
And thank you, Srinivas Shastri, for constantly reminding me that the most powerful and healing Fury is tempered in kindness. You gave me a better view of my self.
And thank you to the women (my mom, friends and family) who taught me how to release the Fury. I tended to bottle up my anger, in fear of doing harm. I have often been the "self harmer" - preferring to be the one hurt rather than hurting. It took several wise women to teach me to trust my own voice and not back down when others tried to manipulate me. You all gave me my voice.
This drawing was for a chapter on how, and why, ordinary individuals lose their self-identity when they join group belief systems. The harmful systems, such as cults and extremist political groups, in particular.
On January 6th 2021, I saw this illustration in action on the TV news when mobs attacked the Capitol Building in the USA. It was a strange feeling. I'd been convinced this would happen for over four years and yet seeing what I had feared happening was still shocking.
I first heard about Donald Trump about five years ago. I guess he was well known to many by then, but I'm not much into paparazzi or reality TV. I had no idea who he was until he exploded into Scottish news with a new golf course he was proposing to build in our county. Within a very short time, he had managed to antagonise a large percentage of Scottish people with his bullying business tactics that eventually revealed him to be a greedy, vindictive, and untrustworthy liar. "What a nasty little man," I thought to myself, and dismissed him.
When he reappeared on the news a while later, as a candidate for the US presidential elections, I was bemused. Did he really think people would vote for a crooked businessman as president? Was he really that much of an egotist? I decided to watch one of his campaign speeches to see.
And my blood ran cold.
I'd seen this scenario played out on old TV news reels, but I never expected to see it live in my own lifetime. No matter how derogatory and hate-based his speech became, the crowds cheered. I don't know how many of Trump's campaign speeches I ended up watching, I just remember the important bits. Like the night he made fun of a disabled reporter and the constant, pounding messages so similar to those that Hitler had used on his own doting fans.
And why did it work then? For the exact same reasons it worked now: because the Germans were desperate for positive change. Germany was reeling from the harsh WWI reparations and the Great Depression. People had no jobs, no money, no hope. They were starving for hope and Hitler fed them the two things needed to fulfil them: a promise of making Germany great again and someone to blame.
Make Germany great again... because it's not your fault, Mr Ordinary-German with your wife and two kids. You are the chosen one. The true people. The higher blood line. You deserve better. You deserve the best. And it was taken from you... by THEM.
THEM.
The disabled, the gays, the lesser races who take your jobs, your women, your country's money and resources. Don't hate yourself. Don't ever take responsibility. Blame THEM and follow me. I will make us great again.
You know, I listed them in that order, because the Nazis used the "final solution" on the disabled and elderly before they moved on to homosexuals, Jews, Gypsies, Jehovah Witnesses...
THEM.
Let's blame them. Let's rally up our mob mentality and blame THEM: the Hispanic races, the Mexicans, the disabled, the homosexuals, Trans kids wanting to be safe in public toilets, fleeing refugees, Canadians, journalists, women with an opinion, Muslims, the Left, The Democrats...
THEM.
You know, even as I watched Trump going on about how evil and bad THEY were, even as I felt that ice-cold fear of recognition, I still told myself I was paranoid. And surely people would not vote this man into office? Surely people would see through his egomania and be turned off by his hate-filled prose? But I'd forgotten my book illustration and that chapter on how easily people are sucked into belief systems that seem insane to those watching from the outside.
For the last four years, I've constantly tried to make those in the spiral see that this man they follow is a narcissist. Constantly said "He is dangerous." He is hate-filled. He twists the truth to suit his own agendas and he cares NOTHING for anyone but his own self. He fuels bigotry and fear of anyone different. He makes them the problem; the obstacle that needs to be overcome in order to make everything great again. In doing so, he has even made good people believe bad things. I know families and friends who have turned against each other because of this man's constant messages of hate.
And now, as the world watches the USA reeling like some boxer punch-drunk from too many blows, I'm saying it again. This man has done serious harm and he will continue to be dangerous until you tackle his legacy: the hate.
His leaving the White House will change nothing until people on all sides return to seeing each other clearly, as individuals of the same country, with the same right to respect. If you cannot let go of hating THEM, there will never be a healthy US (play on words intended).
It's up to all of you now, Americans. Left, Right or whatever; all races, genders, religions. YOU are the country and only your strength and compassion can put it back together again.
When I first sat down to write a post for this year's event... words left me. There was no room for them. All the space inside me was taken up with emotion.
This has been an exceptionally emotional year on a global level. We started with devastating fires in Australia (how we worried for friends and family over there!) and went straight on into Covid19 with its assorted political chaos, worldwide protests and then even more climate disasters. We have been inside a storm, not for days but for months. All of us. Everyone. No one is untouched by this year's events.
Canberra, Orroral Valley,
January 28, 2020. New research suggests the recent record-breaking heat
in Australia, which is linked to climate change, helped
increase the region’s fire risk by at least 30 percent. https://www.sciencenews.org/article/australia-wildfires-climate-change Nick-D/Wikimedia Commons (CC BY-SA 4.0)
All of this has taken its toll. I'm seeing more angry people than ever before. Because fear makes people angry, it's a natural survival mechanism. Fear makes us feel out of control - rage gives back the feeling of control. Rage helped us fight off the predatory beasts when we were a young species still throwing rocks and sticks.
Anger can be very useful as it gives us the courage to face our demons, but it has to be wielded with calm and a clear mind. Thoughtless anger is chaos. It's the mob burning innocent women as witches and the person refusing to wear a mask during Covid19 because they are secretly, deeply, afraid. Terrified that the virus really exists, so they pretend it's a hoax. Terrified that if it is a hoax some secret and even worse harm is being done to them, such as taking away their personal power and freedoms.
Terrified.
Just as you have to turn and face the wolves on the path, you have to face what you fear. You cannot fix the problem, or slay the demon, without first understanding the fear beneath your anger.
For me, it's been the realisation that I get most angry when I see people being irrational. Why? Because I fear they might do/say things they will regret once they've calmed down enough to see the truth. My rage is based on my fear of them doing terrible harm: to me or to others, to themselves and to their countries or our planet. But to find that truth I had to step back and see with my heart.
What secret fear drives your anger?
Turn around and face it.
Find the truth in your heart.
Then take that truth and reclaim your power.
The phrase "2020 vision" means to have perfect eyesight; to see with utter
clarity. Could there be a better wish for this 2020 year than that? To
see clearly, from the heart?
If being separated from each other during Covid19 has only one positive result it should be this: that in being forced apart we finally realised we are all in this together. One planet and one humanity.
Today is Thanksgiving in America... and also Thanksgiving in a small town in the Netherlands. A Dutch American Thanksgiving. I never knew that until today! It seems that a large chunk of the settlers on the Mayflower were Dutch immigrants from a place called Leiden. You can read more about Leiden's American Pilgrim Thanksgiving service here.
Every November on
Thanksgiving morning, the Pieterskerk hosts an annual ecumenical
service. You can learn more about the event here.
Read more at DutchNews.nl:
Every November on
Thanksgiving morning, the Pieterskerk hosts an annual ecumenical
service. You can learn more about the event here.
Read more at DutchNews.nl:
The Smithsonian says this in an article on the story:
In 1620, the ship Speedwell left from Leiden to Southampton, England. The passengers moved over to the Mayflower, and from there set upon their their long voyage to America. From 1609 to 1620, many of the assorted clustering of people known as the Pilgrims had resided in Leiden, working, running a printing press, and bolstering their numbers. Bart Plantenga for American Heritage:
The Pilgrims had evaded English persecution through the peculiar tolerance of the Calvinist Dutch, who had given them a religious safe haven upon their arrival in 1608. By 1609 the newcomers had settled in Leiden, whose city fathers declared they could “refuse no honest people free entry to come live in the city.” In Leiden the Pilgrims joined other British exiles amid a population of students, intellectuals, and refugees, including Gypsies, Mennonites, Lutherans, and Muslims.
1. The early pilgrims on the Mayflower weren't all English, as I'd thought.
2. Leiden offered sanctuary not only to those Pilgrims fleeing to America, but also to Gypsies and Muslims.
Leiden actually had its own Thanksgiving holiday long before the Pilgrims set sail and there are some who think the Pilgrims liked this idea and took it with them to America. Whatever the case, how wonderfully tolerant and compassionate the people of Leiden were. Opening their town as a sanctuary for refugees fleeing persecution.
I recently read an excellent post by Jeff Gregory about hate. I tend to defend the underdog and speak out about things I feel are wrong. A lot of people think that means I hate A or B, but it's not that simple. I do hate injustice and cruelty, but I can still pity the person doing the "act of evil" because so often it is the broken who then go on to break others. As you Jeff says in his post - hate isn't the answer. We need to find more ways to say "no, I don't want this" without making it a word used while carrying weapons and torches. This planet has seen far too many tragedies based on the hate of mass hysteria.
I've come up against this a lot with the recent fear/hate between political parties and against specific religions. Personally, I don't follow either Left or Right in politics (I'm Green first )and I see religions as the ways humanity experience and love creation/creator. I really don't think God cares how we express that love, only that we love. I don't think there is a single Way to God; each path is unique to each person. but sadly, there are two religions that have a history of using extreme force in order to convert others to a single "way": Christianity and Islam.
I have had to defend the rights of my Muslim friends a lot recently, which has led to some people thinking I'm anti-Christianity. Not so! I am depressed and afraid of the levels of hate in BOTH radical versions of these two religions. Yet neither religion was created by a man proposing using cruelty and fear to convert followers...
So how did it all go so wrong and how can we ensure it does not continue into our future?
It has to begin with letting go of hate and that means facing our fears, because most of the time hate is the way we protect ourselves from things we fear. We fear the different and unknown and we fear things that have hurt us in the past or that we worry will hurt us in the future. Fear is a primal instinct of survival, but it has limitations. It drains your energy and strips away your ability to think clearly. This is why so many brainwashing techniques use tiredness and fear, because you lose all ability to think for yourself. You become a puppet.
And the only way you can ever battle fear is through Love - the type of love that walks with tolerance, understanding and compassion.
Thank you, Jeff, for reminding me of that simple fact. It's so easy to lose sight of what really matters when you're frustrated and scared for the future. I'd like to repay you with a video by a favourite group of mine who say it beautifully in this song.
World politics has turned into a TV Soap the last few years, on all continents based on what I hear from friends and family abroad. No surprise that this in turn has led to some pretty heated "debates" on my Facebook wall and in my emails. I'm not one for sitting quiet if I think something is wrong or if I think something else is a great move forward.
What has surprised is how many people have leapt to the assumption that I'm "Left" which is amusing in a way since a few firmly Left friends have nagged me for NOT being Left. I'm also constantly told I'm New Age which is equally confusing. I am a Pantheist (who loves Jesus); they've been around for a very long time.
Am I Left? I will admit that a lot of the Left parties have policies I agree with, but then again... there's a lot they stand for that I don't agree with. I've never voted for the classic Left party of Britain: Labour. I doubt I ever would. But I most certainly would NEVER vote Tory Right either. It's Green for me first and foremost. No point in a vote without a healthy world to cast it in.
So what are the things I'm saying and/or standing up for that have led so many of my friends (and even some family) to think of me as being a Lefty? I had to stop and think about that this morning, since it's been bothering me for weeks.
This is what I've figured out...
I support the rights of others very different from me (races/religions/sexual orientation) - This is due to what I learnt from reading about Jesus as a child. He said to love thy neighbour and then pointed out that the radically different person is our neighbour.
Matthew 22:36-40 King James Version (KJV) 36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law? 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
I support feminism and women's equality - Also due to Jesus. He was the first feminist I ever met. He called women "Daughters of Abraham" which was extremely radical. There is no such title. Jewish MEN were called Songs of Abraham, but women were just... nothing. Jesus changed that and gave them equal dignity and respect. He also allowed women to touch him, which was also radical back then. In fact... everything he did related to women was radical.
He spent time teaching Mary and reprimanded Martha for thinking chores should come first before spiritual studies. AND he treated her as a disciple, not merely as a woman he was talking to. This is shown in the fact Luke says she sat at his feet, which is symbolic and meaningful. Disciples being taught would sit at the feet of their teacher.
Luke 10:39 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His Word.
Which leads me to saying I am fairly radical, same as Jesus. :) Like him, I think we have to let go of out-dated laws or ideas that no longer suit us. Like him I believe change is inevitable and to be embraced. He even promised that spirituality would change from people needing a religious leader/teacher to each person claiming their own sacred autonomy of having God's Holy Spirit within them to lead them. I fully support that as well!
I am pro choice. I think women deserve to have power over their own bodies, including pregnancy. These are my personal feelings, but they are backed up by the Bible. It strikes me as VERY odd that many Christians are against this as they are actually not aware of what the Bible says. The Old Testament states that it is the breath that is the moment of life. A foetus is not seen as living until it draws breath. This is why the crime of forcing a woman to miscarry was punished with a fine (Exodus 21:22) whilst murder of any type is punished by death.
I support the rights of children - that every child should have a peaceful, loving, healthy environment, good health care and a decent education. That no one should ever abuse or harm ANY child. You certainly can blame this one on Jesus. He's famous for his outspoken love and protection of children.
I am not 100% pacifist, but I do try to look for better ways than war, hate and violence. I support sensible gun control, more diplomacy in politics and less frantic armament of our nations. This is in part due to common sense and having experienced war/terrorism growing up, but also due to Jesus. He proposed a very tough commandment to be better than those who harm you. To rise above it and not react blindly in hate, rage or fear. To show others respect in order to teach them respect.
Luke 6:27-31
“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
I am "Green". I support alternative energy, less cruelty in how we deal with animals (wild and domestic), more recycling and better protection of vital natural resources. No, not coal and oil. I mean trees and water. We can live without coal and oil; we cannot survive without oxygen and drinking water. This is mostly due to common sense. I will live a day or so without water - I could endure a lifetime without coal or oil. I can live without new gadgets, but I can't live very long without clear air to breathe. Can't say that's obviously Christian, but it did strike me as sad that God told Adam and Eve all of this planet was his gift to humans and then we trashed it. Sort of shameful, like we're spoilt brats.
I believe in the power of Love to make the world a better place. I'm completely bemused as why some think this makes me New Age as I learnt this straight from Jesus. There are so many Bible quotes on this that I had a hard time picking one. I went with John, as he's my favourite. :)
John 13:34-35 34 A new commandment I give unto you: that ye love one another, as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
And finally, I know that I'm doing all the right things, because it's actually Jesus who told me so. I'm me, with his blessing.
Matthew 5:3-10
3
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.
5
Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.
6
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be filled.
7
Blessed are the merciful,
for they shall obtain mercy.
8
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they shall see God.
9
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called the sons of God.
10
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
This started with several videos arguing the facts regarding the ongoing problem of the farm
killings in South Africa. Some say there are still too many
murders/tortures and some say the numbers have dropped. That's really
not the point. The point is... all murders are wrong. it doesn't matter
why you don't like the person or who they were... ALL murders are wrong.
And as for killing farmers? That is like shooting yourself
because you feel angry. Farmers are the life of any country, they feed
the nation. You kill your farmers - you starve your people.
But
what has always had me bounce-off-the-walls angry about Africa is the
hypocrisy of other countries. So many countries who want South Africa to
hand over the farms are colonial countries that wouldn't dream of
handing all their farms back to their own indigenous peoples. No one
ever seems to point that out.
No one ever seems to point out the
fact that it's pretty much only the colonial countries in Africa and
Asia that have handed back the power of government as well. Australia
may chew over handing some land back, but I've yet to see any European
country demand that the government be handed back to the Aborigines.
Same with South America, North America, Central America, New Zealand and
many islands.
Only in Africa and Asia have people been decent
enough to hand the lands back and yet it seems we still get thumped on
the heads as "not good enough" and when I talk about this... people back
off saying, "Oh but white South Africans are racists."
Yes,
many Africans are racists. I've met black racists, Indian racists
and white racists in Southern Africa. My coloured friends weren't
racist, but they were liberal Islamic. Go figure! Non-racist Muslims. :P There's another rant dealt with. LOL
And living in Africa, I've also met, am related to, and have friends
who are wonderful, non-racist people. :) I felt blessed to live in Africa as I grew up with all religions as
friends of my family and all races, nations and sub-groups in my
personal friends group. I think that is awesome.
So please...
stop thinking all white Africans are racists. We're not! Most of us are
simply concerned about the levels of violence and deaths of ALL people
in Africa. I've lost friends of all races and all religions. I've lost
family... and I still love Africa. It's an incredible continent full of wonderful people.
The only way we let go of violence is by letting go of hate and fear of each other.
A friend sent me a video today. It's been a long time since I watched something that made me cry and yet gave me hope (for our planet) at the same time.Some people make you proud to be human. These are some of them...
In February I gave an author interview for a book blogger and she kindly made my book covers into bookmarks. :-)
From March I was pretty quiet on my blog, because mid-year was taken up with other people's books. I did a few reviews, I helped a friend by proofing her book for publishing and I helped someone else ghost-write another book. And in between we had another friend come stay with us for a week's holiday!
In April one of my poems went to LA with a photography exhibition by Katherine Cooper...
In June I published a little book of my poetry and blog stories for friends and family. Including all the poems that had a very busy 2015. ;-) In July we dashed about Scotland with our friend, so there are no July blog posts, but loads of August posts of the photos we took that wonderful summer.
September was a whirlwind of emotions and happenings as I took part in the "60 ways to Peace" and Scotland steamed towards the independance referendum. I can sum up both of those events with a poster from the referendum.
September ended with me more active in politics than I have ever been in my life and I'm not the only one. The Scottish referendum set the country on fire and the blaze is still burning. It has led me to new friendships and helped inspire my Blogblast for Peace entry this November 4th.
I made another of my peace poems into a graphic for Facebook and blogs.And in October I lived up to that poem by joining several groups and organisations involved in positive change. :-)
In November I finally finished a video for my second book, WISDOMS OF THE LIGHT.
Here's a slide from that video...
This year has had some lows as well, including the sudden death of a friend and fellow-blogger's husband.
For Jurgis...
And for all those loved ones (friends or family) that we remember at this time of year...
Did you know that the seeds of the gigantic redwood trees are tiny? Each seed is barely bigger than a match head. You could fit a potential forest into a tablespoon.
There's something miraculous about that fact; that something so minuscule has the potential to grow into one of the world's tallest trees. A good reminder to never underestimate the small or seemingly fragile.
Sometimes words can feel as small and insignificant as tiny seeds.
That is especially true this Blogblast for Peace, as we come to the final months of a year littered with humanity's failings; tragedies, disclosures, scandals and lies.
There's been disclosures of voting and election fraud in several countries.
Could you be, could you be squeaky clean
And smash any hope of democracy?
Pushed through laws and budget cuts that target the most defenceless: the disabled, elderly and poor...
Now what does that remind me of?
Feel the pain, talk about it, If you're a worried man then shout about it
Pollution, big business greed and deception, political avarice and the constant push for wars.
Open hearts, feel about it, Open minds, think about it
Everyone read about it, Everyone scream about it
It has been an exceptionally depressing year. One that has left many
feeling bitter, despairing or angry as hopes for a better future
vanished.
I spy tears in their eyes
They look to the skies
for some kind of divine intervention
How does hope rise above all that despair? How does peace stand firm when filled with bitterness or anger? The only way is through love, because love has no time to bother with being disappointed, hurt or angry.
When you're sowing the seeds of love
anything is possible
Just like a giant redwood tree, love soars above such trivialities.
Love understands that we all fall short along the way. None of us is perfect. Love remembers this and is willing to hold out a hand of comfort and sympathy. Love isn't a fool, but it understands the need for reconciliation, determination and persistence.
Love offers seemingly small gifts: patience, protection, empathy, fairplay; little words of encouragement and understanding. Such things may seem pointless and small, but small words in the hands of love are very powerful seeds.
Everyone read about it, read about it
We're sowing the seeds of love.
We are facing hard times on this planet. There's no use sugar-coating the
facts. Things are bad. And tough times need tough love; real Love.
And I believe in love power (open your eyes)
The kind of Love that stands with dignity and calm in the storms, like a redwood tree.
We're sowing the seeds of love
Love offers protection to the helpless, compassion to the weak and a voice to those who cannot speak for themselves. Love persists and quietly insists on being taken seriously. Love keeps standing up, taking part and speaking out.
And most important of all, regardless of religion, nationality or political affiliation... we hold onto that tough love and we rise above the masses like a forest of redwood trees.
High time we made a stand
And shook up the views of the common man
We have to be leaders rather than followers. Way showers. Light keepers in the dark.
As Gandhi put it: "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
Well... I've been through the ignored and laughed at. That means I've only got one more stage to get through. I think I can manage that. ;-)
And I believe in love power (open your eyes)
We're sowing the seeds of love
Sowing the seeds, An end to need, And the politics of greed
Every few years I like to go back and look at some of my oldest posts, to see how far this journey has taken me. This week, Hubby reminded me of my very first blog post, written back in April 2007. Even now, seven years later, it's still one of my most favourite blog posts. It still holds all the truths of who I am as well as the journeys I've taken over the years, both personally and with my book writing. I've pasted the post here, but added pictures to it, for this Thoughtful Thursday.
Last year I watched a TV documentary series called "Extraordinary People". The episode I enjoyed the most followed the life of a blind brain-damaged young man who is a musical savant. He has the intelligence level of a four year old and yet he plays jazz like a genius. At one stage he was given the chance to listen to an entire orchestra. He then "translated" the entire performance into a piano solo. It was awesome!
He flew from the UK to Las Vegas (with his beanbag toy elephant for company), to do a concert to raise money for disabled kids. There he met a boy with autism, who is also blind and plays classical music, and two other gifted musical kids: a blind girl on a violin and another autistic boy who plays the keyboard. Together they had a jam session that rocked the roof off. They were brilliant. The one psychiatrist studying them said that they are now thinking that music is the "Universal code" that drives us at a deeper level than language or any other sense-related ability. It makes sense to me. I've always loved music.
Three years ago I popped on some soothing music to try to meditate. I've always liked the idea of meditating, but my mind doesn't understand the concept of emptiness. It is a cage full of budgies, all wanting to scream their favourite word the loudest. But this one time I actually got it right, one of those rare perfect moments when things just click together. Maybe it was because I didn't try so hard? Maybe it was because I was desperate for an answer that my conscious mind couldn't provide.
I was desperate for an answer to a crossroad I'd reached in my life regarding my religious/spiritual beliefs. I was born into a family that, counting both my mother and father's sides, span almost every variation of Christianity out there. As a result my parents had a more laid-back attitude to church attendance than many. Being a church-goer was never viewed as the only road to Heaven. I grew up with the unspoken message that all religions lead to God and therefore were of equal value. It was only when I went out into the world that I began to realise that not everyone was as open-minded. I was warned I was "in danger of being a Pantheist" by a teacher, when I was in Junior school. I had to go look it up in a dictionary at the time. I had to admit, what I read did sound a lot like me. It was the first time I remember feeling both relief and a vague guilt/unease at who I was. So I was a Pantheist... why was that a dangerous thing? In high school and college, more devoted Christian friends tried to convert me to their "way". Although they meant well they left me feeling less acceptable and worthy. Sometimes depressing. Sometimes annoying. Why do some people think they know what is best for you better than you do? It's like they see you happily being a square peg in a perfectly geometric world of your own and simply cannot stop themselves from trying to squash you repeatedly into a round hole. Or, worse still, they whip out all these abrasive words in a desperate attempt to file the corners off your square soul. Words that imply you are "wrong", or "bad", for simply being true to yourself. Ultimately there are only two people who know you: yourself and God. Other people have a right to their opinions, but that is all they can ever be - opinions.
That was why I found myself trying to meditate; to try to find the "me" I had lost along the long journey through so many other people's opinions. As a child, I'd known who I was and been happy. In my twenties, I'd faced confrontation and fought back, the way you do when you are young and rather full of self-righteousness. In my thirties, I'd expanded my friendships to include a wonderful range of equally wonderful people from a variety of different belief systems: Neo-Pagan, Wiccan, Buddhist and Native American Shamanism.
My thirties were a time of tremendous personal expansion, but it was also a time where I started to wobble... like a spinning top that has hit the edge too many times. It was clear I had wobbled so far off the path that I didn't know how to find my way back.
A friend suggested meditation to clear my mind and see the way home. I tried... nothing. Or to be exact, too much! I'd sit there and my mind would gabble and chatter about everyday life until I either fell asleep or got bored and gave up.Then one day, I was pottering around the internet and read a woman asking similar questions. She was a Catholic considering becoming a Neo-Pagan. She was standing at the edge of everything she had been taught to believe was good and evil. She had left a message asking for help, and someone had replied, "Pray for guidance - then listen." Seemed fairly sensible advice. I decided to try it myself. For once and for all, I needed to know if being ME was okay with whoever/whatever was "Up There." I said a small prayer to that extent and sat down to wait and listen... and for the first time EVER all those manic budgies in my brain finally shut up.
Silence
Real silence Cellular level peace and quiet
Was this meditating? I closed my eyes and let the silence take over... I found myself standing at the edge of a lake at sunset. Someone was walking across the water towards me. A bearded guy in a long robe.
Jesus? Hell... Jesus?
I dismissed the thought as stupid, but as he walked up the shore to me I could see the holes in his hands and feet. I didn't know what to do. So I was honest and I said, "You're the last person I was expecting to see."
He burst out laughing and it was such a joy-filled infectious laughter that we both fell about laughing for a while. Then he took my hands and we walked out onto the water together and we danced. With stars above and stars reflected in the dark water below, we danced. And as we dance he "exploded" into the stars and became the Universe itself...
...and then I found myself back on the shore.
I'm not sure how long I stood there before he appeared, walking back across the water towards me once again. Only this time he was carrying something. A crow. He said, "This is for you," and the crow hopped from his arm to my shoulder.
I opened my eyes and I was back in the same room in my same house.
I have a Native American friend who had sent me an internet link to totem animals a year before. I went and looked up crow. I saved some of the bits I found there. Can't give credit to the author as I lost the links a few years back so apologies for that.
"Human law is not the same as Sacred Law. More so than any other medicine, Crow sees that the physical world and even the spiritual world, as humanity interprets them, are an illusion. There are billions ofworlds. There are an infinitude of creatures. Great Spirit is within all."
"Crow is the totem of the Great Spirit and must be respected as such."
The bringer of the Holy Spirit had brought me the symbol of another culture's Great Spirit.
Now, I keep thinking about those supposedly "disabled" kids and how they've tapped into creativity and Creation at a level we can only daydream about. Music and Creation. Music and life itself. Dancing on water and amongst the stars. Ancient peoples used dancing and singing to connect to the Source... Is faith merely (re)learning how to dance on water?
Was the world created in seven days or seven notes?
I think I really like that idea! Holy and Great, Human and Sacred exploding together in a universe of infinite possibilities. Different music, different steps, but always the same Dance.
