A Light for Christmas

As much as I enjoy the giving and getting of presents and watching "feel good" Christmas movies, that's not at all what this season is about for me.

As far back as I can remember, the true magic lies in stars and wise men willing to follow them, simple shepherds experiencing the unimaginable and the most humble birth of a child. The fact they are woven through with older religions gifting us traditions like Yule logs, Christmas trees, mistletoe only adds to the magic and wonder of it all. For anyone with northern ancestors, across Europe and Asia, this is the season of darkness that will be rebirthed into light.

Every year, even as a child, I like to take some time to be quiet and feel that deeper meaning. I'll turn off the lights and sit by the Christmas tree (under it when I was little!), sit with a candle or stand in my bedroom and look out at the stars. Joy is great, fun too, but for me there has to be the counterbalance of stillness. A moment when the noise and frantic bustle of the season fades away, and I find myself in the light again.

This has become even more important as the years have passed. In part because modern advertising is more and more aggressively based in consumerism rather than caring, demanding we spend and SEE THIS SALE. But in larger part I need that quiet moment because the longer you live on Earth, the more empty chairs you have at your table. 

In December 2017, we lost my dad and that has taken a huge part of the joy out of this holiday for me and my family, but he is only one empty chair of many. I'm not unique or alone in having those empty chairs. Every single person I know has at least one. This particular year, I have two dear friends who have lost parents this December and another who is waiting for that inevitable farewell with her mom.

The empty chairs aren't only loved ones who have passed, but also friends who moved on and relationships that didn't last. Christmas can be magical, but it also reminds us of what we have lost or maybe never had. And that is painful, especially when the adverts and movies are all so over-the-top with the JOY and FUN. 

Sometimes, the only way you can rekindle your light is to take time to sit with your darkness.

Try it. Find a quiet moment or place and sit with the dark. You can choose your own variation, but sitting in an empty room with a Christmas tree or by a window looking at the stars are my favourites. The dark isn't the enemy or something to be feared. The dark is completely non-judgemental. Let it wrap itself around you like a mother's loving arms; it will hold you gently. Just be with it and let all the noise go, including the voice in your head with its list of things you should be doing or should have done. Let it all go...

... and look for the light. 

Even if it's only a tiny star or one candle; it's there, and it has always been there. The light that is life and love. It is the very core of everything, including you and everyone you love, have loved or will love. So, this year I'm wishing you find your light in the darkness, but also find the way to let the dark embrace you. They need each other as much as we need them both. And wherever you are... may the light of love find you and always guide you home.

In Gratitude

This week, I've realised something huge - the old South Africa and (some of) the USA are very much alike; which is why so much of the USA stuff triggers me. It brings back a lot of bad memories. Maybe I've just been exceptionally unlucky, or maybe I've just been more aware. Either way, it was often nothing huge, just constant small slap downs. Slap... slap... slap... until you either break and give in or burst into Fury.

And for how to control the Fury and use it... I owe that to my mom and dad.

I had parents whose motto was, "If you see wrong - fix it, help it, heal it, and ALWAYS SPEAK OUT about it."

I had great role models. Tiresome at times. As a teenager, I didn't always appreciate the fact my parents stood up and got involved. As a teen you just want to be popular. But even then, I learned a lot, and it's made me a better person. I am so grateful for their foundation.

And thank you, Srinivas Shastri, for constantly reminding me that the most powerful and healing Fury is tempered in kindness. You gave me a better view of my self.

And thank you to the women (my mom, friends and family) who taught me how to release the Fury. I tended to bottle up my anger, in fear of doing harm. I have often been the "self harmer" - preferring to be the one hurt rather than hurting. It took several wise women to teach me to trust my own voice and not back down when others tried to manipulate me. You all gave me my voice.

Growing Brighter

 I saw this picture on a friend's Facebook today...

... it hit home for several reasons.

The first being that this was something I failed badly at, when I was young; I regularly dimmed my light when I was a teen. It started after I moved countries, at age 10, and wanted to just "fit in" at my new schools in a strange new culture.

Looking back, I can see that a lot of the "me" from those high school years (I was 12 when I entered high school) was barely visible and often hardly ME at all. And even after I finished school, the ME I truly was had become so buried under the "me" I wore to be accepted that I really only managed to be my true self in small bursts, usually when I was too tired or too emotional to care if anyone was offended or scared by my brightness. 

In my late 30s, I had just begun peeling back the dimness and was beginning to shine, when I married and moved countries again. Immigrating triggered all those old feelings of insecurity, of not "fitting", and sadly, once again, I began to dim myself down in order to fit in.

It's taken me a long time to understand that there's a lot more to dimming my light than I realised. And Facebook made me notice that. You see, on Facebook I have gathered everyone I want to keep contact with in a fast-easy way. That includes a very varied range of people, from childhood friends and family to new friends and people I know through various work/interests.

This is what happened - I began to lose friends. A few at first, but these last 18 months it's been more. I began to think, "What is wrong with me?" Today I realised... there's nothing wrong with ME, but there was a lot wrong with the dim "me" I was still, often unconsciously, using to fit in. I lost Facebook friends because many of those very different people only knew the dimmed "me" I had used when we were together.  But once they were all on my Facebook wall, all in the same "room", there was no way I could juggle all the dimmed "me" variants and the real ME started to emerge.

I'd say, at this stage, I'm the brightest ME on Facebook that I've ever been. And that ME is ever evolving as I open up to who I truly am. And that has caused problems. People have un-friended ME, because I've been "too" -. "too loud", "too quiet", "too Left", "too Middle of the Road", "too forceful", "too soft"... I've had all of those as accusations. And they have hurt at times. The old "me" wanted to scrabble madly to fit in, but on social media, under so much scrutiny, it was impossible to please everyone and so... I began choosing what pleased me.

I embraced my "too much" and accepted my "too bright-ness". I'm still working on this and yes, sometimes I'm still losing friends. I lost a dear friend recently. This person left me with "too blunt" and "too forceful". Am I? I have others who grumble that I'm "too accepting", "too polite" and "too forgiving". Am I both? Or am I just... ME. Messy, complicated, still evolving. A star in the process of learning how to be a sun. Sometimes burning things, but always unintentionally. Trying to be warming, but aware that some can only cope with so much brightness.

So, whoever you are, whatever type of star you might be, or be in the process of becoming... just SHINE. Those that need your light will find you and yes, those that aren't able to cope will move on. Love them and let them go. They are their own stars, they will find their own place in the sky to shine. 

The universe is big enough for everyone. 

Closure is not a Door you Close

Last weekend, my high school held their reunion online, since covid has made gathering anywhere impossible. I've never been to any school reunion, but I did end up staying for a while in the group chat related to this year's gathering. It was a strange feeling, seeing some names I remembered and a lot I did not.

And depressing, when people started to list those students now dead from cancer and other various life misfortunes. I was thinking of leaving the room, when someone I did know commented on one of the cancer victims, a girl named J. Someone said how sweet she was and another that, "She was a lovely Christian" and instantly all I wanted to do was open my mouth and say... too much.

I made one dry humour comment and left. 

I'm not sure if what I did was right or wrong, but it felt... unfinished. So, here I am, talking to myself most likely, but ready to finally finish and let go. It's time for closure.

So... I am sorry that J died of cancer, but she was far more than "sweet" or "lovely". She was a mess, emotionally mixed up, angry and unheard. And seems no one realised that. Or did they? Do they now want to forget and bury that part, because no one did anything to help her?

J started high school as my friend. We were both from the same junior school and so casual friendship became "best friends". I knew she was unhappy about several things, we did talk sometimes, but I had no idea how deep that went until it became rage. That was when we were about.. 14? One day at lunch, she just stood up, turned around.. and started kicking me.

I can't remember what I did. I remember being shocked speechless. My best friend was attacking me. WHAT THE HELL???

It was the first time in many. For the next few months, every chance she could get, when we were somewhere quiet, she'd attack me. Kicking, stamping on me, whatever. Did I fight back? No. She was my best friend! And plus I could only think this craziness was because she was hurting badly or angry at someone else. I didn't want to hurt her more. I wanted her to calm down, stop, and talk to me. I didn't tell a teacher. Never even considered that, to be honest. It was my problem and I would deal with it.

Except... I wasn't dealing with it. I thought she'd calm down. She didn't. I thought she'd eventually talk it out. She refused. And eventually I just began trying to avoid her at all costs. The lowest moment was one day when she managed to ambush me in an empty courtyard. I remember feeling so tired of it and bruised both of body and spirit, when I realised we were being watched. A mutual friend of ours, M, who went to the same junior school. She was standing at the entrance with another girl, just standing there watching.

The worst part of that moment was realising that friendship meant nothing and I couldn't trust anyone. The more vital lesson of that moment was realising some far greater truth - people don't get involved. Even when they know you and like you... they stand and watch.

I'd remember that a decade later, when someone commented on how the Germans were bad people because they never stopped the Nazis. If two high school girls are too scared to tackle a girl bully who was shorter than both of them... then why on EARTH does anyone think that German civilians should have stood up to men with guns and the government behind them? So although I truly did judge my friends severely for that moment in high school, it led me to judge others with more tolerance as I grew older and wiser. Not a bad trade, really.

And what happened to J and M? J stopped attacking me eventually. To this day, I have no idea what triggered that. We eventually reached a friendly truce, but we never were true friends again. In an ironic twist, I was present on the day a group of girls bullied J in art class, throwing her prize scrap book about the class until she was in tears. That time I was the one who stood and watched and did nothing. It wasn't for revenge, just wasn't sure she'd appreciate being rescued by her past victim.

M... we stayed friends a year longer, but the sense of betrayal never quite left me and eventually led to the death of our friendship as well. Not helped by the fact that our friend group took sides without ever bothering to find out facts. For some reason, even though I'd been the victim I was portrayed as the bully in schoolgirl gossip and lost about five close friends by the end of it all. Another "lovely Christian" school friend, held onto the gossip grudge with such pious intensity that she actually phoned me, several years after high school, to tell me she wasn't inviting me to her 21st birthday party.

Eh???

Not surprisingly, my final year of high school was mostly spent avoiding making any close friendships! It would be about 20 years before I made any close female friends. Trust broken is not easily mended and closure is not a door you close, but more a series of doors you open revealing more truths and more lessons about yourself and the world around you.

Time to open the door, walk through and move on.

Rebel, Rebel!

I have had a short story chosen for the annual Scottish Book Trust non-fiction writing event. This year the theme was REBEL.

Rebel Rebel, pick up yer pen
Rebel Rebel, we want tae ken

Books can be ordered for free in Scotland, but you can read my story and other entries HERE.

My story, The Cold War, is HERE. 

glitter-graphics.com

Your Way - My Way

This year, two friends sadly decided to unfriend me on Facebook. The problem is that my friends are extremely varied. I have blog friends, internet friends, old school friends and assorted relatives all rolling about with fans of my books and poems. They span every race, religion (including atheists), sexual orientation and political party. Whilst I like all of them, we don't always see eye to eye. 

The two friends I lost were deeply offended by the facts I'm (friend #1) not a vegan and (friend #2) I'm not feminist enough. Written that way it sounds absurd, but it still makes me sad. The vegan in particular was a dear friend. I had no problem with her world view and dietary choices. I just wish she'd shown mine the same respect. I'm still proud of my vegan friend for standing up for her beliefs that our world could be kinder to animals. I was proud of the fact my feminist friend stood up for equality until she turned it into "man-bashing." When I told her to stop being rude to men, she left.

Your Way, My Way or the highway... it shouldn't have to come to that. The fact each and every one of us has something we hold important shouldn't become a reason to walk out on our friends or begin to hate each other. 

And that's the really ironic part - most of the people I know who are likely to argue with me on Facebook or elsewhere are those who want the world to be a better place. People who don't care never argue. It's only those who care deeply that fight with each other, because their concern becomes a passion and too often that passion becomes "The Way". Looking at all my friends and family I can say honestly that there is no single Way: there are hundreds. All of them worthy and all of them geared to improving the planet or humankind.

Can you imagine how powerful we'd all be if we supported each other as we each followed our own Way instead of trying to force everyone onto our chosen path? And all it takes is respecting our differences and taking a little time to find out what we have in common. I know my life is so much better for having friends who are vastly different from me. I would never want to only have friends just like me, how boring would that be!

Hold On

Pueblo Indian Prayer

Hold on to what is good,

Even if it's a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe,

Even if it's a tree that stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do,

Even if it's a long way from here.

Hold on to your life,

Even if it's easier to let go.

Hold on to my hand,

Even if someday I'll be gone away from you. 

The Green Chickens of Mars

A long time ago, in a living room far far away... I discovered the awesome powers of the Green Chickens of Mars.

It began one average day. I was talking to a family member (you know who you are! :P ) and had a hunch that they weren't actually listening to me. I'd say something... they'd go "mmm?" or "mmm..."

A strange, mad power enveloped me... I opened my mouth and said, "They've discovered green chickens on Mars."

 
My non-listener replied, "mmmm..."

I finally had proof!

Since then, for well over two decades, I have used the Green Chickens of Mars whenever I'm in doubt that people are listening to me. It works brilliantly and instantly picks out who was utterly not listening... 

Me: "The Green Chickens of Mars are invading this summer."

Them: "mmm..."

from those who were half listening, but need to be refocused...

Me: "The Green Chickens of Mars have invented trans-dimensional time travel."

Them: "Uh... WHAT did you say? Chickens of WHERE?"

to the odd few who were actually listening...

Me: "The Green Chickens of Mars are famous for their minty freshness."

Them: "How does this relate to what we are talking about?"

 Whichever reaction I end up with, it's always fun. I love those Green Chickens!

Comic book cover thanks to Pulp-o-mizer.

Go check out the rest of Bradley's art. His Celtic shop is equally awesome.

Monty Puthon and the Holy Quest of YO

I was text/chatting a friend (Kim) today. We both tend to be typo queens and we share the same kind of silly humour, hence the title of this blog post. 

We were talking about life in general. We've been friends a long time and in that time we've both gone through a lot, good and bad. I was commenting on how people talk about life as being a plod up a mountain, but that's not quite true. 

I said, "No one tells you that ascending the mountain is done on a yoyo bungie cord."

Because that's how life feels, doesn't it? Today you're feeling epic, like you're striding up the mountain and then suddenly you fall ten feet as some unexpected problem hits you only to go  *SPROING* upwards as you find a way to bounce back. 

Kim agreed and added, "and with the frequent head whack on the side of the mountain."

That's when I saw us; a clear vision in my mind. We weren't spiders, we were Knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, valiantly questing through life's ups and downs with irreverence, mild insanity and a complete lack of co-ordination, 

...but when I tried to tell Kim my epic vision I typed "Monty Puthon" and we both ended up laughing. It was downhill into silliness after that.

Goodness knows, we all need more humour lately! The world seems to be winding itself up on seriousness.  I've also noticed way more touchiness around the internet. I've been unfriended twice on Facebook for my "offensive" life choices and once for my political views. Considering the fact I'm politically Green, tolerant of all religions and not interested in anyone's sex life... that's quite a feat! The three people I've offended come from completely different political views and religions, so Kim pointed out that at least I'm "an equally-offending opportunity partner". LOL

But it's not just others who have been more touchy this year. I've had  my moments of losing my temper as well. Some arguments have been equally matched with irritation both sides.

Laughing today about the up-and-downs of life, I realised that I need to get the YO back in my yoyo. That mojo of magical madness, irreverent Heyoka humour and silly walks. Life is too short for taking seriously.
 
It's much easier to climb the mountain if you lighten your load. ;)

Personal Rant Moment

This started with several videos arguing the facts regarding the ongoing problem of the farm killings in South Africa. Some say there are still too many murders/tortures and some say the numbers have dropped. That's really not the point. The point is... all murders are wrong. it doesn't matter why you don't like the person or who they were... ALL murders are wrong.

And as for killing farmers? That is like shooting yourself because you feel angry. Farmers are the life of any country, they feed the nation. You kill your farmers - you starve your people.

But what has always had me bounce-off-the-walls angry about Africa is the hypocrisy of other countries. So many countries who want South Africa to hand over the farms are colonial countries that wouldn't dream of handing all their farms back to their own indigenous peoples. No one ever seems to point that out.

No one ever seems to point out the fact that it's pretty much only the colonial countries in Africa and Asia that have handed back the power of government as well. Australia may chew over handing some land back, but I've yet to see any European country demand that the government be handed back to the Aborigines. Same with South America, North America, Central America, New Zealand and many islands.

Only in Africa and Asia have people been decent enough to hand the lands back and yet it seems we still get thumped on the heads as "not good enough" and when I talk about this... people back off saying, "Oh but white South Africans are racists."

Yes, many Africans are racists. I've met black racists, Indian racists and white racists in Southern Africa. My coloured friends weren't racist, but they were liberal Islamic. Go figure! Non-racist Muslims. :P There's another rant dealt with. LOL

And living in Africa, I've also met, am related to, and have friends who are wonderful, non-racist people. :) I felt blessed to live in Africa as I grew up with all religions as friends of my family and all races, nations and sub-groups in my personal friends group. I think that is awesome.

So please... stop thinking all white Africans are racists. We're not! Most of us are simply concerned about the levels of violence and deaths of ALL people in Africa. I've lost friends of all races and all religions. I've lost family... and I still love Africa. It's an incredible continent full of wonderful people.

The only way we let go of violence is by letting go of hate and fear of each other.

Rant over.

Stronger ~ Dona Nobis Pacem 2017

I've been doing Blogblast for Peace for nine years and this was the first time I felt like quitting. Why? Because I felt a complete lack of hope. Let's face it, 2017 has been a year of stark revelations. Our climate is going crazy with fires and floods, our media is full of stories of abuse, lies and corruption and too many of our world leaders have turned into petulant toddlers.  

But then the most unlikely event brought me back - a complete lack of hope. 

You see, one of my dearest blog and internet friends died this Nov 1st. "Tint" had been fighting cancer for several years and I do mean fighting quite literally. This was an epic battle, but Tint was never a quitter, no matter what life threw at her. I haven't one single memory of her acting negative or defeated. She tackled every setback with cheerful determination. Tint had a rainbow aura, full of joy, humour and kick-ass hope.  I've never seen a photo of her where she isn't smiling or laughing.

I've spent this past week in a chat room vigils with Tint's friends and loved ones, all of us waiting and waiting.... We were gathered together by Tint's daughter and we have stayed there in love and support, but in the full knowledge that there was no hope of a last minute miracle.

No hope. 

Now I'm sitting here writing this and thinking.... It seems to me that all of us who want Peace and a better world have been just the same, constantly setting out with cheery optimism and hope that change is possible. But what do we do when there is no hope? What do we do when a war is inevitable, violence explodes around us and the world staggers towards hate and fear? What do we do when we lose hope?

I think I know. When you lose hope... you find Grace. 

Hope is wonderful, there's no denying, but it can also be a burden. It implies that failing is bad or wrong; that we didn't try hard enough. Truth is that sometimes we can try as hard as possible and still fail.  So here's the thing, dear Peace bloggers and world-changers. We may never stop war entirely. We may never see humanity reach a stage where there aren't some still capable of violence and destruction. We may never save every species from extinction or save every child from trauma and tragedy. 

The loss of hope does not automatically mean failure. Tint's death has shown me that. Her life was a rip-roaring adventure, full of unexpected twists. She lived it to the full and left a legacy of friends all over the world whose lives are changed for the better for knowing her. And she leaves behind a daughter who is one of the most lovely young women I have ever been honoured to know and a new baby grandchild who shows every sign of growing up to be as wonderful as his mother and grand-mum.

When Hope leaves... love remains.

Love doesn't bring about miracles, it is the miracle. Nothing is stronger than Love. The greatest gift we have is this connection to each other. The love found in friendship is a miracle we often take for granted. I have spent this past week in vigil for my friend Tint with the most amazing bunch of men and women. I am now asking you all to join me and hold vigil for our planet. Do we have hope? I don't know... and maybe I no longer care. We have each other and we have love. That is enough.  

For you, Tint, see? pink hair! <3

Being a Shaman

Hope

A friend sent me a video today. It's been a long time since I watched something that made me cry and yet gave me hope (for our planet) at the same time.Some people make you proud to be human. These are some of them...

What a Year!

I was just looking back through my calendar and thinking what a strange year this has been.

I published a second book (WISDOMS OF THE LIGHT) in December-January and I joined the Visionary Fiction Alliance.

In February I gave an author interview for a book blogger and she kindly made my book covers into bookmarks. :-)

From March I was pretty quiet on my blog, because mid-year was taken up with other people's books. I did a few reviews, I helped a friend by proofing her book for publishing and I helped someone else ghost-write another book. And in between we had another friend come stay with us for a week's holiday! 

In April one of my poems went to LA with a photography exhibition by Katherine Cooper...

In May another lovely lady (Oribel) made one of my poems into an inspirational video...

...and for a brief while the e-book of FIRST LIGHT was number one on amazon.com! 

In June I published a little book of my poetry and blog stories for friends and family. Including all the poems that had a very busy 2015. ;-) In July we dashed about Scotland with our friend, so there are no July blog posts, but loads of August posts of the photos we took that wonderful summer. 

 

September was a whirlwind of emotions and happenings as I took part in the "60 ways to Peace" and Scotland steamed towards the independance referendum. I can sum up both of those events with a poster from the referendum.

September ended with me more active in politics than I have ever been in my life and I'm not the only one. The Scottish referendum set the country on fire and the blaze is still burning. It has led me to new friendships and helped inspire my Blogblast for Peace entry this November 4th.

I made another of my peace poems into a graphic for Facebook and blogs.And in October I lived up to that poem by joining several groups and organisations involved in positive change. :-)

In November I finally finished a video for my second book, WISDOMS OF THE LIGHT. 

Here's a slide from that video...

This year has had some lows as well, including the sudden death of a friend and fellow-blogger's husband. 

For Jurgis...

 

 

And for all those loved ones (friends or family) that we remember at this time of year...

All you Need is...

I had an epiphany on Christmas day. It made me laugh till I was breathless, which is the way of all great life moments, and that's why I think it's worth sharing. ;-)

It started with frustration and irritation. My dad was trying to reply to a text message on his new mobile phone. The message was from a friend in South Africa and for some unknown reason the reply feature would not work. Hubby has the same phone, but he never texts, so he wasn't able to instantly offer advice.

Eventually, hubby decided to try sending a text message to our home phone, to see if it was perhaps actually sending, but not saying it was sending.  (don't you love electronic gadgets?)

 He was right. Although neither his phone nor dad's stated the message was sent, our home phone rang instantly. Hubby picked up, confirmed it was the message service and hung up. The good news was that dad's message had sent... probably about seven times, since he'd kept trying again when it gave no sign of having sent! Which was the bad news for his friend in Africa who must have wondered why dad wished him Merry Christmas over and over... and over.

And that wasn't the only phone message sending over and over. Our home phone rang again and I was the one to answer. It was a recorded voice from BT telling me we still hadn't listened to our sent message. Because while hubby picked up he never bothered to listen to his own sent text.

I figured I better listen to the thing, or that recorded voice "She" would be back nagging and nagging. I pressed #1, as requested and she told me (in her weird stilted recording voice)...

"Your text message is... uh?"

Uh?

I was so puzzled I asked for a repeat, went back to press #1 again and she said (again)...

"Your text message is... UH?"

I put down the phone and went to find my husband. I asked him what exactly he'd written. He was surprised I'd heard anything. All he'd sent in his test text was one letter of the alphabet.He'd sent an R.

"R?" I asked.

"R!" he replied.

 I started to giggle. Because depending on the emotional emphasis to your voice that one letter takes on an entire different meaning! Try it for yourself.

Say it as I did, and it sounds like a puzzled question, just like the phone recording voice!

 

Say it firmly and it sounds like a confirmation.

Say it in a seductive voice and it suddenly sounds flirtatious.



say it sweetly and you'll sound like an angel.

Best still - say it when you're angry. Give it depth and RoaR from your gut.

Better than a swear word and it won't offend anyone. ;-)

There's an R for every mood and human moment. All my years of talking, writing, and trying to communicate with others and all I needed was an R. It's so simple! All I can say is...