A few months back someone asked my forgiveness. Who isn't important. It's not anyone I know via the internet and it's not a friend or family member. This person "stepped on my toes" in a business/professional sense. At the time it occured to me that in asking forgiveness this person was more asking for me to ignore the fact that something unnaceptable had taken place.
Forgiving a person who made a mistake, and is genuinely sorry, is a wonderful thing.
Forgiving a person who merely wants their mistake to be swept under the carpet... is not.
So, I wrote this below for all those people who say they are sorry when they really are not. Who only use the words "I'm sorry" as a way to avoid dealing with the problems they've created.
If I forgive you...
it doesn't mean I didn't care or wasn't hurt.
If I forgive you...
it doesn't change the facts.
If I forgive you...
it doesn't mean I now think I'm to blame.
If I forgive you...
it doesn't mean I'm weak.
If I forgive you...
it doesn't mean you now can take advantage of me.
If I forgive you...
it doesn't mean you have the right to do it all again.
...
forgiving is a very very important act. & some WILL try to sweep things under the rug, ESPECIALLY if they something to the effect of "I'm sorry if you felt bad about what I did" as Keith Olbermann said, "an apology should NEVER be conditional!!".
ReplyDeleteIn a more blithe moment, I think I have nothing to forgive, but there is oh so much. I think what you mention here is what has prevented final forgiveness, if that makes any sense. Your words give a sense of release too ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it better. I like to read this to all my "adult" children!
ReplyDeleteVery well written, Michelle. It is a two way street of give and take and some people seem to forget that.
ReplyDeleteVince
ReplyDeleteoh yeah, that's kind of the back-handed apology, that implies subtly that it is your fault for being too touchy in the first place. I hate those.
Tint
Writing it out kind of clarified what was bugging me and that really did help a lot. (((Hug))) back :-)
Amias
You're welcome to take it. I think it's a fairly common feeling we all have that we often forget to tell out loud.
Daisy
Thank you. Yes, very true - it has to be two-way.
LOVE the poem...one thing I wanted from my spouse is the ability to say I'm sorry genuinely.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness is one of the hardest acts to follow. Easy to say but sometimes genuinly difficult to mean. Small infractions can be dealt with but things that touch the heart are usually more difficult to deal with. A very thought provoking poem Michelle.
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle and all others as well, While I can see what you mean, Michelle, I'd still like to add something. Yes, here are those "Iamsorry"s that are not true, but then there are the forgivings that are not quite true either. Isn't forgiving supposed to be letting go of the negative feellings having accumulated due to something someone ask for pardon? Shouldn't it be a liberation of all that weight? Sure, there is that saying "forgive but not forget", but doesn't that mean truly forgiving and loving/respecting the person while taking into account the possible "flaw" and accepting it for what it is?
ReplyDeleteJust my two cents (european ones, mind you)
Re-reading my comment, I realized it does not at all convey my meaning. Typically enough, I might add. :) What I mean is, that phony excuses and begging pardons notwithstanding, there are times when we are not ready to fully forgive. To truly forgive and let go of the negative baggage included in the issue. Should we then in those cases just simply say so? And then, when the time is right truly forgive and be done with the whole of it.
ReplyDeleteI don't like careless people that I can s-c-r-e-a-m. Sometimes there's not even a not-mean-it-sorry. Other times I should say sorry but unwilling because I'm so angry >''<
ReplyDeleteBeing an incest survivor, I have had plenty of experience with forgiveness. I have learned several things. First, the forgiveness of a major issue does release me from the burden of the anger and pain that I was carrying on my shoulders. The abuser gave me his shame and blamed me for it. I can let go of all of that.
ReplyDeleteWhat else I learned was that that kind of forgiveness isn't a one time thing. I do it over and over again until no more hurt is left to weigh me down. Does that make my initial forgiveness fake? No, not in any way. I forgive as I deal with each different issue or phrase of an issue. I let go of each pocket of pain and anger (sometimes rage) as it appears.
Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for me. I get freedom in return, freedom to experience my life on my terms. I have written several articles about forgiveness on my blog over the past two years.
Forgiveness does not mean that what the other person did was not wrong. It means that I am able to let go of the pain and anger that was causing me more pain and anger. Forgiveness is a process, not a one time thing.
OrOne
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I don't like that either.
Patricia
That was a very thought-provoking reply. Thank you for taking the time to share so deeply.