With Love...

Recently I wrote one of the hardest letters I've ever written. I wrote a goodbye.

It was very hard because the fact I needed to 'say some things out loud' didn't automatically mean the person on the other side needed to read them. So... I was scared of being clumsy or tactless, but it had reached a stage where the need was just too strong, plus I didn't want to leave it too late.

You see... I wrote a letter to a friend of mine who is dying. She might be here for months and months still, but she might not and I just didn't want to wait too long and maybe never say what was in my heart. Her name is Judith and I've talked about her on my blog in my In Beauty blog post series.

Somewhere in writing to Judith a few more people became a part of that letter: her daughter, Jessica, and another mutual friend, Holly. I wrote it all out, posted on her support group page, held my breath... and those friends were very gracious enough to read my words and understand my need to say them.

Now they have given me permission to share this very personal letter here on my blog. I am very grateful, because I know this letter was as much for me as for them, but maybe sharing it again here might help others who face similar circumstances of having things they need to say:

Dear friends

This group was named "Cancer support through collective thinking" and maybe on the surface that might seem to have not worked. The truth is that collective thinking, group prayer, all the love we have, doesn't always stop people we love dying. People we love die... people I love right here in this group are dying. And how do you write about that?

I'm so glad I have come to know you, but I really wish it was for better reasons. I have no words for the big emotions - the pain, sorrow and just plain old UNFAIR of it all. I wish I could unwrite this story and make things better.

Thank you for this place, this small sacred space, for allowing us all to walk with you on this very personal and painful journey. What I've learnt from being here is that it isn't hope that floats... it's love. When everything else sinks to the bottom - love floats. Love soars. And I am so privileged and honoured to have been here in this group and witnessed that.

You see... for me this group has been about watching lots of small miracles. I know all of us were hoping for the big miracle, of Judith being healed, and Holly too, but within that.. . (no word fits!) disappointment there are so many miracles and I want to talk about them today. Because I do fear leaving saying things till it is too late.

Judith

You were always an amazing woman, but through the last few years you've become so much more. I cried here when I read about you tearing up your life, your diplomas and paperwork, but later I was thinking about it and remembering when you were in that journey and you'd write to tell us all about your studies and your dreams for a website. You were so excited and you know... maybe the journey really was more important than reaching the destination.

Maybe the point of those studies were what they taught you about you rather than what you could teach others. But then again you have been teaching all of us for years, especially these last two years. You've taught us all about bowel cancer, but even more important (to me) - you've taught me about the true meaning of Grace. You always were graceful, but you have really grown in grace and Grace these last few years. You have, are, and always will be, an inspiration. But more than that - you have shown yourself to be one pretty damn awesome human being!

The recent photo of you on holiday... I don't think I replied. Everyone was saying nice things, but my first thought was, "Oh, she's leaving us." You're glowing so bright lately that it's as if your physical body is starting to become translucent. I can't look at your photos and see much of the physical anymore. Dear lovely soul, I know you are on the last part of this journey and I so wish that wasn't true. To say you will be missed is like saying the sun is kinda hot. For your family I want you to stay, for you... I want you to fly. I want your soul strands to slip each knot softly and easily. Floating, soft, free... I want you to fly.

I need to add that one of the best parts of the last two years has been watching your daughter, Jessica, transform from being "merely" (grin) a lovely young woman to an astounding beautiful young woman. Astoundingly beautiful - within and without. Scared? maybe. Sad? Oh yes, but so much stronger within her centre. Jessica, you glow just as brightly, but in you it's a fire. A fire that will keep you here and keep you glowing brightly. A fire that will help you warm and comfort others and your self when the time comes to let your mother go. I am so honoured to have been here to watch you grow and GROW. It has been beautiful, sad and wonderful to witness.

There's another bright soul I am so honoured to have met through this group...

Dearest Holly,
I have loved meeting you and getting to know you. You are awesome. :-) I look at your photos and see such a beautiful young woman, fighting so hard to LIVE, but I also see a white-fire comet spirit bouncing about in a human skin. I don't know how such a slender physical body manages to hold in so much power and sparkle! I don't think you will fly away one day - I know you will leave us in a shower of sparkles and a rush of stardust ...but I hope you get to bounce about in that human skin long enough to be ready to zoom when the time comes.

Holly and Judith,
I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to know you are dying. I have no right to even speculate, at what it is like to be either of you, b ut I can share what I do know. Even though I'm psychic and I know for certain there is more out there than "life" I've felt scared of death and dying. I'm just as anxious for my loved ones to stay with me as anyone else, but about 18 months back something happened that did change how I saw death... because I SAW Death.

It was one of the many days we waited around my dad in ITU while he was in between worlds. I saw this tall shadowy robed figure, head bowed and hood so deep there was only darkness and I needed to know...

I needed to know.

So I asked Death to show me its face and it turned to me and pulled back the hood... let the cloak fall away... and I saw an angelic being so incredibly beautiful that it was truly DAZZLING. Gorgeous, perfect Love, but blindingly bright. That's why death was shown hooded and cloaked - because the reality is just too bright and beautiful for our dull "real life" eyes to cope with.

As much as I'm not keen to think about how I get to the dying part of my life story I am now very excited at the thought that one day I'll get to meet that fantastically bright and beautiful angel once again. Most likely you'll get to see him/her before me, but we never really know. Either way I hope we get a chance to stay friends that side too. I'd like a chance to hang out and have some serious fun together! ;-)

With love

I am so priveledged to know these amazing women, and their amazing menfolk, there are some wonderful men lurking in these stories!

Judith,
your sharing has made such a difference in my life. You travel a road we all will take, one way or another, and you shine a light on this darkest of places and say, "See?" ... and suddenly it isn't the 'scary unknown' anymore. ♥

Judith has a new blog: Chasing Rainbows. She's sharing her personal journey there, along with her love of music. She has some lovely music videos up. I'm really enjoying them. :-) Holly's blog is Passing Cloud. She posts her life adventures along with all sorts of inspirational things. She has some smashing photos of ice and snow up at the moment. I highly recommend both blogs. Oh, I started browsing Holly's blog today and found a photo I've never seen before. Wow... you go look here and tell me if this doesn't fit what I wrote about Holly perfectly! Talk about a sparkly soul? *grin*

And finally, to all my blog readers.
Life was never meant to be about surviving. It's a journey, an adventure... experience it fully in every moment you have!